Three years of “journey” journaling have passed.  There are only two entries this year.  One is very positive as Mark reflects that he has kept the journal as a search for joy and meaning.  He then relates some happy events and concludes, WELL IT OCCURS TO ME THAT RAISING 6 RIGHTEOUS CHILDREN IS MEANING ENOUGH IN LIFE AND WILL BRING JOY UNTOLD.

His second entry is long and full of frustrations.  He recognizes that pride is the source of his troubles.  I have searched my own journals during these years to see what I may have said and the only entry that really stands out to me in this regard is from when Mark came to me and he talked about how he has a hard time overcoming pride (don’t we all?).

Skipping ahead a year – it is almost exactly four years of “journeying” and trying to find himself.  If you have been reading these entries you will know of his discouragement and hard work and finding the light.  Often it is after we find the Light that we then find ourselves under increased attacks from darkness.

This time around it was better because Mark had strengthened his foundation.  He better knew how to turn to the Lord and to include me in his struggles.  He also better understood himself.

THIS JOURNAL IS ABOUT USED UP.  AS I SIT HERE TONIGHT…. THE KIDS ARE IN BED ASLEEP AND CORINNE IS TALKING ON THE PHONE.  I ASK MYSELF IF ANYTHING HAS REALLY CHANGED OVER THE YEARS OF THIS JOURNAL (we all know there have been huge changes).  TONIGHT I FEEL AS EMPTY AND LONELY AS WHEN I STARTED THIS.  WHAT HAS CHANGED IS MY UNDERSTANDING OF MY FEELINGS AND WHAT CAUSES THEM.

HOW DO YOU OVERCOME JEALOUSY?  CORINNE IS SO BEAUTIFUL I WANT TO BE WITH HER.  I FEEL CRUSHED WHEN I AM EXCLUDED FROM HER LIFE. (He was and always has been my favorite person to be with.  I would never have purposely excluded him from anything. It was hard for me when he would feel like this – I loved it whenever we could be together and I would have taken him everywhere I went if I could… which is why it is such a bummer that he is not here with me now!)

When Mark was struggling I used to feel so frustrated that he couldn’t seem to accept the love that I was offering.  I had adored him from the time that we met and this adoration had grown with the years.  He would feel unlovable and it was hard to get past that.  I had to learn to love him in ways that he would understand.  He had to learn to do the same for me.

TONIGHT SHE [WENT TO AN ACTIVITY].  SHE CAME HOME WITH THE BOYS TALKING ABOUT THE EVENT AND HOW GREAT IT WAS. I WAS OVERCOME WITH SADNESS THAT I WAS NOT WITH HER BUT THAT OTHER MEN WERE.  SHE WAS SO BEAUTIFUL TONIGHT AND HER EYES SPARKLED AS SHE TALKED AND I COULD NOT GET PAST THE FEELING OF SORROW THAT I WAS NOT WITH HER.

I SOUND SO PATHETIC BUT THESE ARE REAL FEELINGS.

He said that we were then able to talk about all of this.  We talked about our relationship and he says it is beyond reason and logic that we would ever do things that bring pain to the other?  He writes that it deals with emotion and feelings.

WHEN WE DEAL WITH FEELINGS WE ARE DEALING WITH OUR SPIRITS.  FEELINGS ARE AFFECTED BY THE HOLY GHOST AND BY SATAN.

Days later…. SO I HAVE FEELINGS THAT I DON’T LIKE.  I BELIEVE THEY ARE CAUSED BY LISTENING TO THE VOICE OF SATAN RATHER THAN THE VOICE OF THE LORD.

IF I AM REALLY GOING TO OVERCOME THESE ISSUES IN MY LIFE I HAVE TO HAVE MY HEART AND MIND HEALED BY THE LORD.  I MUST HAVE THE HOLY GHOST TO BE MY CONSTANT COMPANION.  

IN THE PAST I’VE UNDERSTOOD AT A THEORETICAL LEVEL BUT I HAVE NOT APPLIED FULLY AT THE ACTION LEVEL. 

TIME TO LIVE IT!