BEFORE A PERSON CAN ARRIVE SOMEPLACE THEY NEED TO KNOW WHERE THEY WANT TO BE.  WITH AN EXPLORER, THEY HAVE SOME DESTINATION IN MIND.  FOR COLUMBUS IT WAS A WESTERN ROUTE TO INDIA.  FOR MOSES IT WAS THE PROMISED LAND.

SO… WHERE DO I WANT TO BE?

AS I SAID, I FEEL LOST AND OUT OF CONTROL.  SO WHAT IS MY DESTINATION?

I THINK MY DESTINATION IS BALANCE IN MY LIFE.  BY THAT I MEAN I WOULD BE ABLE TO SPEND ENOUGH TIME AT WORK TO MEET MY OBLIGATIONS BUT NOT SPEND MORE TIME THAN IS NEEDED.  IT WOULD BE SPENDING TIME WITH CORINNE SO WE COULD BUILD OUR RELATIONSHIP AND GROW TOGETHER.  IT WOULD BE HAVING FAMILY TIME AND INDIVIDUAL TIME WITH THE KIDS SO THAT THEY FEEL THEY HAVE ADEQUATE TIME WITH DAD AND DON’T HAVE TO ACT OUT TO GET DAD’S ATTENTION.  IT WOULD BE HAVING PERSONAL TIME TO MYSELF TO BUILD A RELATIONSHIP WITH THE LORD THROUGH SCRIPTURE STUDY AND QUIET REFLECTION OF SPIRITUAL MATTERS.

Mark writes (in all caps) of feeling that he is moving forward, but doing so in a mist of darkness.  You can feel his frustration with so many things, particularly at work.  He spends a few pages writing out other ways or ideas for earning money…

I HAVE TO REMEMBER THAT THE SOURCE OF MY FRUSTRATION IS THAT I DON’T HAVE MORE FAMILY TIME.  SO PUTTING LOTS OF EFFORT INTO A NEW BUSINESS DOESN’T MAKE TOO MUCH SENSE.

Fast forward a couple months to a beautiful spring day.  Mark notes the blue skiess, blossoms, grass, and the children playing happily outside.

I’VE STAYED HOME FOR SEVERAL WEEKS. (By this he means no travel, but he was working locally or at home.) MY STAFF IS BUSY AND YARD PROJECTS ARE GETTING DONE.  LIFE IS BETTER BALANCED FOR NOW.

Mark spends many pages writing about how he could improve spiritually and at work.   ALL THIS MUST BE DONE WITH REAL INTENT, NOT WITH ANY HYPOCRISY  OR DECEPTION.  I respect this about Mark.  Throughout his “journey” he was always real.  He truly wanted to do good things and be a good person – and he was.  It was internally that he struggled.

At one point Mark and I went away for an extended weekend. We had a great time because we have always been friends.  His journal records many significant lessons and feelings he had about the places we visited.  However I recall driving home from the airport and reviewing our fun times together.  I told him that I wasn’t feeling that I could share deep feelings with him and that we needed to work on our communication.   My memory is that he managed to act like he listened to what I said but within the next sentence he had moved on to something else… and then I definitely knew that what I had said was correct.  This was a problem for both of us because….. I just let it go… again.

After months of evaluating Mark asks himself – WHAT SHAPE ARE MY ROOTS IN?

WHAT ARE MY ROOTS?  ROOTS ARE MY PERSONAL RELATIONSHIP WITH CHRIST AND THE EXPERIENCES WITH THE HOLY GHOST.  THESE THINGS BUILD FAITH.  SO ROOTS ARE FAITH.  FAITH IS ALSO BASED ON OBEDIENCE.

WRAPPED TOGETHER, I GUESS I ASK, HAS MY FAITH IN CHRIST GROWN SUFFICIENTLY TO SUPPORT GROWTH IN CAREER AND CHURCH SERVICE?  OVER THE LAST FEW YEARS, MAYBE NOT.

MY SUCCESS PROFESSIONALLY WAS SO QUICK FOR AWHILE THAT I FELL INTO THE TRAP OF THINKING IT WAS MY SUCCESS RATHER THAN THE LORD’S.

I NEED TO STRENGTHEN MY ROOTS.