“Marriage is mislabeled, it should be called ‘When Worlds Collide!”

That is a quote from my father and it is true that marriage is quite an undertaking. It is also true that I don’t know anyone who enjoyed a happier marriage than Mark and I enjoyed; yet it took a lot of effort and work. Effort and work that was all worthwhile. So very worthwhile!

I have felt the need to share some personal (more personal than usual – if that is possible) experiences in the next several blog posts.  Well, they are mostly Mark’s experiences and will be written mostly with Mark’s words.  These will be to demonstrate how life provides lessons and we decide what to do with those lessons.  Our decisions determine our destiny.

Today I am talking about our marriage.  Several times someone has mentioned to me that they were having trouble in their relationship and then has said something like, “Of course you wouldn’t understand.” …….as if?! It used to make me want to pinch them…really hard. What would they know about my marriage and how we got to where we were?

So, we had regular troubles and unique troubles… and the secret to our success is…. that we fought.  Let me clarify that we did NOT fight against one another.  We fought on the same team.  We fought together.  There was a time that we could have given up and walked away. We didn’t. We fought.

This all happened years before I ever thought of pulling out my computer and typing a cancer blog.  There is no need for any particular details (so do not ask). Anyone can fill in the details of their own life and their own mistakes.

Here is the important part:

1. One of us needed to do a whole lot of repenting.
2. One of us needed to do a whole lot of forgiving.
3. Both of us needed a whole lot of healing.

There is one source for all three of these needs and this is our Savior Jesus Christ.  At this point we were praying and worshipping together as a couple.  Nevertheless we needed more than this. We needed unity.  We opened our hearts to the repentance/forgiveness process and gave our united hearts to the Lord.  

Jesus tells us, “Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me.”

Guess what?  When we opened our hearts to Him, He came with healing in His wings.

Our unity – the THREE of us – came and didn’t go away.  We built on it for many years – the need to work on a marriage never goes away.  During this time we had a code word which was “EVERYDAY.”  This meant that we would do what it takes to love and serve the other person every single day.  Years went by and those days added up and we got better and better at it.  Then Mark left earth to join Jesus but… left behind, I still have access to Jesus.

Other aspects of our happiness took more time.  Mark had been working for years to figure out how to change his heart and find more happiness and peace.  At this point we joined forces and he eventually found his way.  We found our way.  We grew and became and in those years before I lost him we would very often remark to one another on how great it felt to be together.  Happy together with Christ.  

Here is a journal entry that Mark wrote (his words are in call caps) a year or two after our most difficult moments:

TODAY IS MY WEDDING ANNIVERSARY.

AS I WOKE UP AND SAW THE WONDERFUL SUNLIGHT COME THROUGH THE WINDOW AND FILL OUR BEDROOM, I LOOKED AT CORINNE AND SAW HER BEAUTIFUL SMILE AND THE TWINKLE IN HER EYE.

THAT IS EVIDENCE OF THE LORD TOUCHING OUR LIFE.  OVER THE YEARS THERE HAVE BEEN WONDERFUL HAPPY TIMES.  THERE HAVE ALSO BEEN SOME MISTAKES THAT HAVE CAUSED MUCH HEARTACHE.  BUT THROUGH REPENTANCE AND FORGIVENESS AND THE HEALING MERCY OF GOD, THERE ARE SMILES OF LOVE TODAY ON OUR ANNIVERSARY.

CORINNE, I DEEPLY LOVE YOU!

There are two specific things I love about this entry.  First is that he speaks of repentance, forgiveness and healing.  These are the words I chose to describe getting through the tough times in our marriage, but we had never spoken of them together in that context. ….They must be truth.

Secondly that he wrote directly to me on that day, in a journal I could possibly have never seen.  He had never used the words, “I deeply love you” when he spoke or wrote to me – but to find them on the page after he died… priceless!  Struggling with grief I would often find this little journal and open to this page.  He wrote that so many years ago – who could have guessed the impact that it would someday have on me.

Mark has been gone for almost two years.  I have mentioned that he was putting together notes for a book on how to be a better husband.  He also recorded these lessons, as well as his personal journey to change, in real time, as he lived them.  Now those words have been screaming at me from off the pages of his journals.  The words want a voice, they want to be heard. I am aware that Mark would want them to be shared.

He loved so many people – actually by the time he died he loved all people – and he wanted them to know about the possibility for change and happiness.  I am going to share many of his words and it might be messy and it might be unorganized but I hope that by being vulnerable and sharing… well, I hope that his words will stop screaming at me to be shared and be of use to someone else!

This post was inspired by this note that Mark wrote to me several years ago (and many years after the fact):

YOU ARE AMAZING!  TWO THINGS….

1.  I APPRECIATE YOUR LOVE AND SERVICE OF MAKING SUCH WONDERFUL FOOD.  I’M A VERY LUCKY MAN TO HAVE SUCH GREAT FOOD AT HOME.  THANK YOU.
2. I HEARD SOMEONE SAY TODAY… “WHEN I MET MY SPOUSE IT WAS A BIG SIGNIFICANT EVENT.  ONE THAT THE LORD MADE IT CLEAR THAT WE WERE MEANT TO BE TOGETHER AND THAT WE WOULD ACCOMPLISH AMAZING THINGS.  THEN LIFE WAS NOT AS PERFECT AS I THOUGHT IT SHOULD BE AND WE HAD TROUBLE IN OUR MARRIAGE.  BUT I LOOK BACK AND REMEMBER THAT WHEN WE MET GOD SHOWED US WE WERE MEANT FOR EACH OTHER SO WE FIGHT TO MAKE IT WORK AND NOW WE LOVE EACH OTHER MORE THAN WE CAN IMAGINE.  

I THOUGHT THAT THESE WORDS DESCRIBE YOU AND I ALSO.  I REMEMBER THAT NIGHT WHEN [ex-girlfriend and other friends] CAME TO THE MOVIE TO FIND US.  I KNEW THAT NIGHT THAT YOU WERE LIKE NO OTHER.

I WAS SO ANGRY AT THEM BECAUSE I CARED FOR YOU AND YOUR FEELINGS.  FIRST TIME FOR ME TO FEEL LIKE THAT.  THAT NIGHT FOR ME WAS A BIG SIGNIFICANT NIGHT WHEN GOD SHOWED ME THAT I WAS MEANT TO BE WITH YOU.

I’M GRATEFUL FOR THAT NIGHT AND ESPECIALLY THAT WE HAVE WORKED, LOVED, AND FOUGHT TO STAY TOGETHER, WORK THROUGH HARD TIMES SO THAT WE CAN EXPERIENCE GREATER LOVE THAN I COULD HAVE IMAGINED POSSIBLE.

LOVE, MARK