About nineteen months after Mark began his journal of his journey from darkness to light he sat and reflected…

Before I record his words I have a few memories to share.  Nothing specific, just that it felt really good to be on the receiving end of this. I just spoke with a man who is preparing to become engaged.  I told him that if a husband will give of himself to his wife, support her and let her “bloom,” he will get SO MUCH in return. More than he gave.  I’ve talked to many women about this concept and they all agree with a hearty YES!!  

As Mark changed his heart and turned more of his focus to me – our entire family life changed.  I basked in his love and was able to give more to both him and the children. My life was also more full of light and love.   I recall one of my sister-in-laws observing, “Yes, Mark… we all know that Corinne is awesome.  We are glad you finally figured it out.”  Mark’s mother noted that Mark had undergone some sort of epiphany.  Everyone in his circle of influence benefited from his change of heart.

As I was saying, after about nineteen months Mark reread his own words and reflected. THE PROGRESS I HAVE MADE IN FINDING WHAT I DESIRE HAS BEEN TREMENDOUS.  I’M SAD TO SEE IT TOOK SO LONG… BUT… I THINK THAT TIME IS IMPORTANT FOR THESE THINGS TO HAPPEN.

I THOUGHT THAT I HAD ARRIVED AT A PLACE.  THAT PLACE WAS A LOVE FOR MY WIFE DEEPER THAN I HAVE EVER FELT BEFORE.  I THOUGHT I WOULD BE WRITING TO SAY THE JOURNEY IS OVER.  THAT IS NOT THE CASE AT ALL… THE JOURNEY CONTINUES BUT NOW IT CONTINUES TOGETHER.

I HAVE HAD SOME VERY POWERFUL EXPERIENCES LATELY.  MOST OF THESE HAVE OCCURRED WITH CORINNE.

Earlier I mentioned an extended weekend together in which we enjoyed each other’s company but on the way home I didn’t feel that we could communicate.  Our time away together had not improved our relationship.

At this point, however, Mark mentions (several times) a 12 hour road trip that we took to drop off a car.  These twelve hours were so beautiful together.  We talked and talked.  Talking together was not new for us, but this time I felt that I could trust him with my deeper feelings.  I was able to share thoughts dating back from childhood and guess what?  He was actually listening.  He also opened up because he felt more trust for me as well.

AS PART OF OUR CONVERSATION I MENTIONED TO HER THAT I FEEL I HAD APPROACHED THE GOSPEL WRONG MY ENTIRE LIFE.  I STUDIED TO LEARN FACTS AND STORIES AND TO BE ABLE TO EXPLAIN THESE FACTS TO OTHERS.  AS I LISTENED TO HER I REALIZED THERE WERE OTHER WAYS TO LOOK AT THE GOSPEL.

I SEE ONE WAY IS TO SEE THE GOSPEL AS A WAY TO CHANGE ME SO THAT THE ATONEMENT WILL HAVE EFFECT IN MY LIFE AND SO THAT CORINNE AND I CAN BE WITH CHRIST AND THE FATHER FOR ETERNITY.

Mark records some personal experiences, mostly centered around our early morning experiences worshipping together.  At one point he had felt a panic come over him as he contemplated being separated from God and losing me forever.  As he prayed to understand this experience he felt that he had been given just a glimpse – A SMALL PORTION OF THE PAIN OF SEPARATION FROM THAT WHICH MATTERS MOST.  CHRIST PAID THE PRICE OF SIN SO THAT YOU CAN RISE FROM THIS FALLEN STATE AND BE WITH CORINNE AFTER DEATH.

HEAVEN IS BEING WITH CORINNE FOREVER.

THIS IS SUCH A SIMPLE DOCTRINE BUT IT TOOK ME YEARS TO DISCOVER.  I WOULD NOT HAVE DISCOVERED IT HAD I NOT PASSED THROUGH THE EXPERIENCES OF THE PAST 19 MONTHS.

I am now continuing to share Mark’s words but they will italicized because he sets the next section apart…

I have repented for the first time in my life.  I have realized my sins.  I have confessed to Corinne my dishonesty, my lack of faith, my unrighteous desires.  I have asked her to forgive me.  I have felt the true pain of separation from Corinne and the kids and Christ.  I’m feeling the peace of the Holy Ghost in my heart for the first time in many years.  While in the past my desire was to rationalize my sins and hide them, now I want to discard them and change my habits.

I used to think that if I said the right words and acted the right way I would have Christ’s countenance on my face.  Now I realize I need to open my heart, purge my soul, and love as he loves, be like him, before I can be the person I desire to be.

I’ve shared these thoughts with Corinne.  She has mentioned how her desire was that I would change and learn these lessons.  She saw potential in me that I was not living up to.  She has prayed for me [about this] for a couple years.

CORINNE HAS RESCUED ME FROM SPIRITUAL DESTRUCTION!

My heart is so full of love for her.  While I was justifying myself in my sins she was pleading with the Lord for my soul.  I thought my success was God’s reward for my goodness.  I have only been successful because of Corinne’s faithfulness.

What a fool I have been.  I am lower than the dust.

He speaks of discussions with me in which he expresses a desire to start over.  I realize that this is the purpose of repentance.  He makes a list of the things he is going to continue to do, including recording his progress on this journey. 

All this with an eye on Corinne and Christ.

I would like to comment here.  These were truly golden days as we rediscovered how good life can be together.  Nevertheless our most difficult days were still ahead of us.  I’ll go back to Mark’s words and return to all caps because it is a new entry.

WHILE I HAVE FOUND GREAT JOY AND HAPPINESS IN MY LIFE THE PAST COUPLE OF MONTHS, MY JOURNEY, MY QUEST IS NOT ENDED.

UNTIL RECENTLY I WAS WALKING IN A MIST OF DARKNESS.  AS I PARTAKE OF LIGHT I HAVE A DESIRE FOR MY CHILDREN TO PARTAKE.  I FOUND MY WIFE IN THE LIGHT AND AS I WE CONTINUE TOGETHER OUR JOY GROWS.

I HAVE NEW PERSPECTIVE ON SCRIPTURE STUDY AND PERSONAL PRAYERS ARE MORE MEANINGFUL.  IN SHORT EVERY ASPECT OF MY LIFE IS BETTER AND FILLED WITH JOY AND HAPPINESS.

SO… WHY IS MY JOURNEY NOT COMPLETE?  WELL…. GETTING TO THIS POINT HAS BEEN LIKE CLIMBING A SMALL HILL.  NOW THAT I LOOK ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE HILL I SEE A JOURNEY UP A LARGE MOUNTAIN.  THE PATH IS LONG BUT A PLEASURE TO TRAVEL.  NO LONGER AM I ALONE IN MY JOURNEY BUT NOW I HAVE CORINNE BY MY SIDE AND WE CAN TRAVEL THIS PATH TOGETHER.

THE JOURNEY IS TO BECOME LIKE CHRIST.  IN ALL WAYS TO BECOME LIKE HIM UNTIL WE ARE LITERALLY LIKE HIM IN EVERY WAY.  THIS JOURNEY CONTINUES BEYOND THE GRAVE BUT MUCH OF IT MUST BE TRAVELED WHILE IN THE FLESH.

FOR ME, THE NEXT STEPS IN THE JOURNEY ARE TO STUDY AND BETTER UNDERSTAND CHRIST AND HIS CHARACTERISTICS AND THEN MODEL HIS BEHAVIORS IN MY LIFE…

EASY TO SAY… HARD TO DO…