Here we are back at Mark’s journal.  I love an entry in which he talks about the stress at work, but this time he is not so negative.  He talks about how discouraging things are, how frustrating… and yet…. Here is what he has to say.

I USED TO WORRY EVERY TIME I GOT SUCH A MESSAGE THAT I WOULD LOSE MY JOB.  I WOULD STRESS AND THE FAMILY WOULD REACT.  NOW I DON’T WORRY ABOUT THAT, KNOWING THAT THE LORD SUSTAINS ME AND HAS GIVEN ME THE TALENTS I USE IN MY JOB.  HE MAKES ME SUCCESSFUL. IF I’M TO TAKE A DIFFERENT CAREER PATH HE WILL DIRECT ME.

Over the next six months he has very few journal entries and most of the writing revolves around complaining about writing in a journal.  During this time we were having a family “challenge” in which we earned points for doing things like piano practice, chores, etc.  On Sundays we would write for a short amount of time in our journals.  Mark would write and now I know that what he was writing was….. complaining that he had to write – and sounding like a 14 year old boy.  He saw no use or journals or writing anything that no one would ever read.  (Little did he know…)

He then began to research journaling and learned of the benefits but he was still wary.  Then he wrote this:

A FEW WEEKS AGO I WROTE THAT JOURNALS WERE A WASTE OF TIME BECAUSE NO ONE WOULD READ IT AND NO ONE WOULD CARE.

THAT’S NOT TRUE… I CARE!

Mark then tells a story of visiting the home of an elderly friend.  This woman was in her 80s.  She told him that she had not kept a journal and now that her memory was fading she could not remember her life.  There were strained relations with her children and there were things she wanted them know about her, but they weren’t written down and she could not remember.

He concludes, I DON’T FULLY UNDERSTAND THE NEED TO WRITE IN A JOURNAL, BUT I’M GOING TO DO IT… MAYBE ONE DAY I’LL UNDERSTAND WHY.

What I can say is this – Mark did not write extensively.  He did not keep a daily record of events.  He did write thoughts and feeling and those journals sustained me through those first months of mourning.  Now I am sharing some of what he wrote with family and friends and any other reader who may happen upon this.  

One week after resolving to keep a journal Mark wrote again.  I had just returned from a trip to California with the children.  I brought back a copy of his deceased sister’s life history. 

I JUST STARTED READING IT TODAY AND LOOK FORWARD TO READING IT ALL.  IT LET ME SEE A NEW SIDE OF KEEPING A JOURNAL.  I KNOW THAT AS I READ IT MY DESIRE AND ATTITUDE WILL CHANGE FOR THE BETTER.  SHE KNEW THAT SHE WOULD DIE SOON AND WANTED TO BE SURE HER KIDS COULD LEARN MORE ABOUT HER LIFE.

It was on this day that Mark determined to buy a leather journal and take it with him on his travels.  He wanted to capture stories from his life to share with his children.  After Mark died I made a copy of that book for each of the children and we all treasure his words. The following link is to a post from 13 January 2025 about this journal…

Write & Be Remembered

And now… just to let you know how real this is… Mark has a couple of really nice weeks in which he is loving springtime… GOOD TO BE ALIVE AND TO BE A DADDY!

On Mother’s Day he is happy because everything came together so nicely.  Two years earlier, as this journal began, he thought that he did it all wrong.  This year he felt great.

A week later we get this entry:

SOME DAYS IT IS HARD TO FIND PURPOSE IN LIFE.  GET UP, DO CHORES,PEOPLE YOU INTERACT WITH DON’T CARE ABOUT YOU.  THE ACTIVITIES YOU ENGAGE IN DON’T INTEREST YOU AND YOU GO TO BED IN THE SAME STATE YOU WOKE UP I AND YOU ASK… WHY?

THE OLDER I GET THE MORE I REALIZE I AM INSIGNIFICANT AND MY LIFE, MY CONTRIBUTION TO THE WORLD, DOESN’T SEEM TO MATTER.

BUT… WE HAD SOME TREES CUT DOWN YESTERDAY.  WE THOUGHT THEY WERE JUST IN THE WAY, THEIR SHADE WAS MINIMAL AND MIXED WITH THE OTHER TREES.

NOW THAT THEY ARE GONE THERE IS A VERY NOTICEABLE DIFFERENCE IN THE “BACKGROUND.”

MAYBE I DO MATTER…. MAYBE NOT.

I am really hoping that readers can relate to Mark’s words.  When we see him feeling insignificant I just want to hug him and shake him and make him know that he is infinitely significant to me!  But what about when I feel insignificant?  Can I remember that someone like Mark once felt this way?  Can I look at how hard he is trying to pull himself, his marriage, his career and his family together – to make sense of it all and land on top?  

I will just say again how grateful I am that he stopped being ornery about journaling and began to write words that have now lifted and carried me.

I know that, for me, it is easier to write words than to express them aloud. None of the things that Mark wrote have been a surprise to me – I lived through them. I have loved to now try to understand the depth of his struggle and his feelings.  He kept that to himself…but he wrote it down!  Power in writing!

MARK’S MEMOIRS 7b – Amelanotic Melanoma

Mark was diagnosed with a malignant melanoma while keeping this “journey” journal. Of course it was no regular melanoma, it was called a amelanotic (non-pigmented) melanoma.  These are dangerous because they do not have the regular color or characteristics of an ordinary melanoma so they are overlooked.  At the same time they also grow and spread more rapidly.  Our health care team joined us in being deeply concerned because Mark had these strange bumps on his arm for years.  Doctors had treated him for fungus or just sent him home.  Just the time period over which this doggone cancer had been on his arm put his life in jeopardy.

Our six children were aged between 4 and 14 and we were suddenly facing the possible loss of Mark.  After giving some statistics on the cancer Mark says, ABOUT THIS POINT THE SEVERITY OF THE SITUATION STARTED TO SET IN ON OUR MINDS.  SO WHAT THOUGHTS GO THROUGH YOUR MIND WHEN YOU FACE DEATH.  WELL…..

1. WOULD MY FAMILY BE FINANCIALLY SECURE?  We then had twice the life insurance than we had when he actually passed away, but there were seven of us at home instead of just one.
2. CORINNE IS YOUNG… WILL SHE REMARRY? THIS BOTHERED ME A LOT.  Years before I told him that if he died I would have to marry for money this next time around – in order to support the family… thus the life insurance he went out and secured.   At this time his concerns were around someone marrying me and not treating me right – this had been the situations/stories he had observed in his life.  This question has continued to haunt me for the past two years.  I am not so young anymore amd the kids are grown so the situation is different. I would rather stay single than be in a bad marriage… but to be alone for this next stage of life?  My experience has been that marriage is fun and rewarding- if both participants are willing to give it their all! Time will tell.

We also had to work together to figure out if he would undergo chemotherapy.  The team strongly encouraged this because if this melanoma were to have spread to another organ he would almost certainly die.  I said yes.  He said no.  We counseled together and prayed and determined that he was going to be alright.  No chemotherapy. He walked away with a really cool scar – that strange circle on his right upper arm. Whenever I looked at it I could remember the weeks of careful wound care.

MY LIFE IS IN THE LORD’S HANDS AND EACH DAY I GET CLOSER TO HIM BY EXERCISING FAITH.

This is a short entry, but those prayers and the answer to forego chemotherapy had a profound effect on Mark. He spoke of it often.

Interestingly – when Mark passed away it was due to the brain tumors.  Two of his cancers had a tendency to travel to the brain… his current sarcoma as well as this melanoma.  We did not do an autopsy and they said it was the sarcoma, but the doctors said it was just as likely this 20 year old melanoma. I don’t really think so…