People who knew Mark may be surprised to read these entries and learn how he struggled. We look at people and don’t know what is churning inside of them. I lived through all of this and knew about all of these feelings. I was so happy to read through his journals and see that he recorded this journey. As you read the next several posts I think you will be inspired to make a journey of your own. Mark was always a good man and put effort into his family and trying to help others, yet there were these struggles.

Only I know the details of two destructive events in his life; one in childhood and then later in young adulthood (before we dated). These are things that had a very negative influence in his life for many years. It wasn’t until he could recognize this and fight these demons of his past that he was able to really move forward in happiness. He recorded the details of this fight and noted where to find it – but he had torn and destroyed the pages from that particular journal years ago. We will read of his journey without those details and thus be better able to liken his experiences unto ourselves. Mark’s words are in call caps.

WHERE AM I?  WHAT DIRECTION AM I HEADED IN LIFE?

I FEEL LIKE I’M LOST AT SEA, DRIFTING WITH THE CURRENTS.  OFTEN I FEEL POWERLESS AS I STRUGGLE AGAINST THE CURRENT AND TRY TO MOVE TOWARD SOME DISTANT SHORE.

I DIDN’T ALWAYS FEEL LIKE THIS.  I REMEMBER TIMES IN MY LIFE WHEN I FELT IN TOTAL CONTROL OF LIFE AND FELT I WAS HEADED TOWARD A CLEAR OBJECTIVE.

SO WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO ME?  WHEN DID I GET SO LOST?  AM I REALLY SO LOST OR AM I JUST IN A MOMENTARY FOG BANK AND WHEN THIS FOG BURNS OFF I WILL FIND THAT I’M HEADED IN THE SAME DIRECTION I’VE ALWAYS BEEN HEADED.

WHAT DO I MEAN WHEN I SAY I’M LOST?

Mark then reviews his work situation.  He had been having some great experiences and promotions and then his boss died, the replacement left and then just didn’t connect with the new guy.  He was feeling like he worked hard but couldn’t do anything right politically.

At home he was feeling the same.  I FEEL LIKE I AM ALWAYS DOING THE WRONG THING IN CORINNE’S EYES…. He gives an example of staying up to tell stories with the kids and getting in trouble for keeping them up too late, or not telling stories and getting in trouble for not spending enough time with them.  THE POINT IS I FEEL LIKE I’M NOT MEETING HER EXPECTATIONS.

From my point of view it was true that I was often somewhat disappointed during these years- though “disappointed “” is not the correct word.  Mark was traveling every week and I was home managing a home with six very young children.  We were so excited to have him home, but he didn’t understand the routine or what circumstances existed for a particular child.  I felt that he wouldn’t take the time to help him engage with where we were at. It often felt that he was sabotaging all the work that I had been doing during the week. He was definitely family-focused when he was home, but we needed to improve our communication. We didn’t necessarily have the same focus. We needed to be on the same page.

I am glad  that he says the he “feels” like he isn’t meeting my expectations.  Though this did happen from time to time, my journals speak often of my love for him and excitement I feel to have him home.  Mark would experience these negative feelings in all of his relationships with others. They were rarely true – but he internalized them and they became real in his eyes. For many years Mark would tell me that I was his only friend. He had so many friends, but again, he was like all of us and his feelings didn’t always match reality.

Mark also writes of his struggles at church where he felt, despite good effort, that he was not meeting expectations.  

SO… WHAT SHOULD I DO TO CHANGE THE SITUATION?  CLEARLY I’M DOING SOME THINGS WRONG.  MY PRIORITIES ARE WRONG.  MY INTERACTIONS WITH MY FAMILY ARE WRONG.

THERE IS AN IDEAL PLACE WE ALL SEEK.  SOME EXPLORERS CALLED IT THE FOUNTAIN OF YOUTH.  FOR OTHERS IT WAS A NEW LAND OR GOLD OR TREASURE.

I SEEK A PLACE.  A PLACE WHERE MY WIFE LOVES ME AND IS HAPPY WITH ME.  A PLACE WHERE I MEET HER EXPECTATIONS.  A PLACE WHERE MY KIDS ARE HAPPY AND TREAT EACH OTHER WITH LOVE AND RESPECT.  A PLACE WHERE I’M ABLE TO MAGNIFY MY CHURCH CALLING IN A WAY THAT THE BISHOP IS PLEASED.  A PLACE WHERE I FEEL MY EFFORT AT WORK IS ADEQUATELY COMPENSATED.

I’M NOT AT THIS PLACE NOW.  I NEED TO FIND IT AND GET THERE.

I FEEL LIKE AN EXPLORER.  MY PLAN IS TO LEARN FROM EXPLORERS, DO WHAT THEY DO, USE THE TOOLS THEY USE AND SEE IF I CAN FIND THIS PLACE IN MY LIFE AND ONCE AGAIN EXPERIENCE JOY AND SATISFACTION.

THIS IS MY LOG BOOK.  I WILL LOG MY JOURNEY SO I CAN MAKR MY PROGRESS AND RECORD MY DISCOVERIES ALONG THE WAY.