Perhaps it is because I speak openly about my grief that so many people have asked me the questions that I often ask myself. Is it better to……….. or would you rather experience …………………..?

Which is worse? Which is better? They all have difficulties. They all have sweetness. Life is hard – but overall I think we would all choose our own trials over those of almost anyone that we know. If you ever feel otherwise I am guessing you don’t know all their details….

Regardless of this – I am going to record questions and thoughts that I have had and that I have discussed with others. Have you ever considered these situations regarding death and grief and would you rather….

Would you rather lose a child, parent, sibling or spouse? I have all of my children and both of my parents and siblings so I cannot answer this. I can report from many who have experienced multiple losses- hands down, losing a spouse is significantly worse. So the rest of these questions will regard the loss of a spouse. If you have lost these other precious family members and therefore know deep grief- perhaps you have been in similar conversations?

Alrighty- so would you rather lose a spouse suddenly or have a long, drawn out illness? This is the most common question. On the one hand a sudden death takes you by surprise and most likely finds you unprepared. And yet- you’ve had all of those healthy moments together. No time was lost sitting in hospitals, recovering from surgery or suffering through the side effects of medications. You’ve been living a normal life together until the moment of death.

On the other hand an illness can change your life dramatically. We had an intense year of cancer and at Mark’s passing I was physically and mentally drained; thus unprepared and unequipped to rebuild my life. It was also my experience that despite that year… none of us were “prepared” to say goodbye. I talked to one woman whose husband suffered for about six years and she had essentially said goodbye three years prior to his passing when he became non-responsive. She remarried just six months later.

I would also say that our last year together may have been abnormal but… perhaps it was better than it would have been if he were healthy?? We were together constantly and he was more of my focus than ever before. I look back on it with fondness.

Next question – would you rather lose a spouse earlier or later in life? I feel like I lost mine in the middle and have become rather envious of those who are blessed with an extra twenty or thirty years together. Some argue that those who lose their spouses during their elderly years are more ready because we know that no one lasts forever. Others counter that it is more difficult because they’ve had more years to rely on one another and are more lost on their own.

What about those who die young? How awful to lose a spouse when there is a house full of young (or any aged) children! And yet those children are there with you so you are not alone. You are young, energetic and attractive and perhaps it is easier for you to marry again? You’ll marry someone young who is not as set in their ways. How frightening to face raising children alone!

Over twenty years before Mark’s passing he was diagnosed with a serious malignancy. Our six children were aged 2-12 years old. I told him that I had married him for love but if he died I would marry for money. He took out a generous life insurance policy after that.

Here is an interesting question. Would you rather have been very happy in your marriage or less so? Well, I was very happy and we had become “as one” over the years. Mark died. I died. I am learning to live without him but I feel his absence every day.

I have a friend who is happily remarried. She was less happy in her marriage. As a mater of fact, despite having children at home, she actually prayed that her husband would die. He soon caught the flu and died within a week. She still went through the grieving process but I do believe that it was a much different experience for her.

Does an unhappily married widow(er) have more hope for the future? I have heard that those who were happily married are more likely to be happily married again. Or are they less likely to even try because their standard is now set so high?

Those are the questions that I recall hearing most often. Obviously there are no right answers. Personally I believe in a God who is aware of each situation.

……I wrote all of that over a month ago while on an airplane. I haven’t opened it back up because I felt it is just too simplified. Our lives are all so unique. Even if two “death” situations were similar, the experiences would be vastly different because of the uniqueness of the individuals involved.

We cannot, therefore, truly understand one another. True, but we can sure come close. We can make an effort. We can understand enough to know that we all need friendship, kindness, concern and a little act of service once in a while.

On the other hand there is One who miraculously does understand every detail of our troubles. It is incomprehensible but it is true. Jesus Christ has suffered everything. Everything! We cannot suffer anything that He has not already suffered and thus he is able to carry our burden.

He cannot lift us and carry our burden unless we are close to Him. He will never force himself upon us. He asks us to come to Him, to follow Him, to be one with Him. He offers relief, respite and redemption.

It is an invitation to every one of us. We should not compare our troubles with one another. We can compare our suffering to His and know that we are nothing. And yet with Him we have everything!

Would you rather? Would you rather suffer and carry your burden in darkness or would you rather have your burden eased as you include Jesus in your journey?

Sorrow blends with sweetness as I walk in the Light.