“Why aren’t you HERE? Why aren’t you HERE helping with this move? Why aren’t you HERE to be a grandpa? Why aren’t you HERE to help with house decisions? Why aren’t you HERE to deal with tax issues? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?”

Haha – did you guess I was quoting myself? This was a few weeks ago. My rental house was mostly moved. The furniture was gone but the house seemed full of all of those little things like the lotion on the kitchen counter and the stack of books that had been beside my bed, etc. I was wandering around wondering where to begin and feeling frustrated at Mark for not being here to help me with anything. So instead of working I walked around asking, “Why are you not HERE?”

I ended my little tirade in front of the refrigerator on which I have a copy of his funeral program. I have often glanced at it, mostly to smile at his photo. Today I walked over to it to ask, “Why?” since he was the person that I had been addressing.

Suddenly there was the need to look at it, something I hadn’t bothered to do since I had put it there. I opened it and didn’t give it much thought. Turning it over, however, was quite powerful. It took my breath away – and I cannot say what it was, but it came from seeing those casual photos of the two of us together and as a family. The frustrations all went away and I was in awe and full of gratitude for our happy life.

Along with the awe and gratitude came this strong impression, “CARRY ON!”

“Carry on!”

These words put me back on track and I would like to say that the track on which I find myself these past months is quite full of positivity and strength. After writing my post about “Not All Tears Are Evil” I could hardly sleep as I worried that my friends would be reading that I am still crying all the time. I am not, but I am grateful for all of those different types of tears that came and the lesson I learned. The tears that find their way into my days now are not full of sorrow. They are sweet in a way that I cannot describe, even the sadness is sweet.

Several events have occurred in the past two months that have contributed to my newfound strength. For the most part they are either too personal to share or would take too much of an explanation to try to communicate on this platform. Just please know that prayers are being answered and I am finding my path forward. The path remains clouded over but I am trusting God to show me the way, trusting God to give me the strength and overall just trusting God – that His will really is the best for me.

Here is the cool thing (to me) – the more I trust in God and the more I keep my focus on the Savior rather than on Mark – the closer I actually feel to Mark. As I feel stronger – our bond is stronger and I am happier. Knowing that it is his absence that brings sadness, but doing these things brings us closer… why wouldn’t I do these things?

I am still letting all of the mourning and grieving feelings come as they will. I don’t fight them and this will explain my stomping around that house demanding to know WHY. Those moments become more and more rare as I also allow these positive feelings to fill my soul. And why not?

I have felt almost reluctant to share my strength. In their love and support I find that “my people” are all set to encourage me in my grief but sometimes are not as comfortable when they see me doing well. I am told that I do not need to be tough and it is ok to cry. Yes. I know this. I completely agree. It was the hallmark of my life for a couple months. My heart goes out to widows who remain in this state for months and years. I know that it will come back to me time and again and when it does I will be here to catch it and deal with it. Never for a moment have I felt that I am trying to be tough. I am just trying to be me.

It is also ok to open up my heart to the beauty of our memories rather than the sadness, anticipation for my new path rather than dread, looking forward to new opportunities rather than dwelling on opportunities lost, etc. etc. etc.

By this point I recognize that life experiences have given me tools to succeed. Why not pull them out and put them to use? If you don’t feel that you have enough tools I hope that I can share some of mine… Smile. Pray. Gratitude. Go on walks. Be friendly. Think of someone else. Get enough sleep. Read scriptures. Serve. Create. Work. Eat right. Smile again. Pray again. Be with friends. (When I say friends I include family because they are also my friends.) Uplifting music. Quiet places. More gratitude. No TV. Share experiences. Let someone else share. Listen. Nature. Grandchildren. Perspective. More gratitude. Smile again. Pray again… and again… and again….. and open your heart to strength beyond your own. The strength to carry on.