The secret to receiving a second dill pickle? Just stand there and bawl after you order your sandwich.

Last night, just as the Dr. Jones and I finished our conversation, he walked out of the waiting area at the exact moment that Jackie walked off the elevator. Suddenly I had to verbalize the dire situation in which we find ourselves. It is always so difficult to actually say it aloud. We hugged one another and cried. Finally we decided it was important to feed ourselves and headed up to the Bistro before it closed. I ordered a panini to share and when I turned around Jackie was again in tears. So we stood and hugged and cried. When our sandwich was ready… it was accompanied by two pickle spears. We repeated the order Thursday at lunch… but there was only one pickle to share. So, thank you to the grill chef who knew that we each needed a pickle of our own last night.

Mark and I have talked a lot about this. We have determined that we would like to share the details of our situation. By nature, we are both rather private. However, we want to discuss our experiences with both friends and strangers who may possibly benefit from our sharing. We also need the love and support that comes back to us from reaching out.

Back to my conversation with Dr. Jones. I have mentioned his kind and gentle manner. He sat beside me like he had all the time in the world and we talked for about 30 minutes on a variety of cancer and family related topics. The difficult part of our conversation is this – with the tumors progressing as they are Mark has two or perhaps three more months to be with us.

Dr. Jones said that we need to Be Prepared. We need to prepare our children. We will do the best that we can.

I told him that our children are scattered in five different states and we have been planning to be together for Thanksgiving. He said, “I am glad that you said Thanksgiving.” (In other words – not Christmas.)

I know I am not the first wife to receive this news and I know I won’t be the last. But this time it is my news and I am not fond of it. After dinner we came to Mark’s room and waited for him to join us from the PACU. He was mostly awake and knew right away that something was not right. Suddenly I couldn’t speak and cried when I tried. Before I left for the night we had some time alone which was sweet. I am still sleeping at Hope Lodge -well, I didn’t really sleep that night. I kept waking up to find tears flowing down my cheeks.

This is not fun.

I had to wait awhile to be able to call and talk to each of the children. Of course as soon as I opened my mouth each time the tears came before the words. There is just no easy way to say this.

So – we will meet again with the oncologist on Monday. Dr. Jones did say that often these very aggressive tumors will respond to very aggressive chemotherapy. We want to slow down the growth. Dr. Chalmers had told us that it would be up to the surgeon to set the timetable to balance wound healing with chemo. Dr. Jones agreed that he would usually say that six weeks was required, but in Mark’s case he said no more than two weeks. We would deal with wound healing as necessary, but it takes a backseat to our battle. It is that bad.

Well – just like it is hard to tell the children, it is difficult to post this. Last night I had a good cry before bed but with lights out at 8:45 I slept most of the night and woke up refreshed and full of hope. Peace. Mark said that he prayed for me each time he woke up through the night.

I will probably be posting often – We really do want to share our feelings along with the events of the day.

Mark’s medical team has been impressed with his good attitude. They say this will make all the difference.

They also are very clear. Saving Mark’s life will require a miracle. He is quite determined not to die – so we are banking on a miracle.