I have never been very anxious to blog – people have encouraged me many times and I just think, “No Way!” I have kept journals off-and-on since I was twelve and I like the privacy, but I don’t really like the pattern I set of writing before bed because too often, I am too tired and much is lost.
In reality, I have many thoughts swirling through my head, and I always want to write them down. I always plan to write them down. Occasionally I do write them down, but then I cannot find them. This came to my notice at some time last year when I was talking with friends about people who don’t wave back when driving. My friend, Jack, said that they always chuckle when they pass me because I am one of those people!?! I had no idea. Actually I had no memory of ever passing them, hmmm – so what was I up to? He said I look deep in thought… and that’s it! I started to pay attention to myself, and driving children around seems to be my most quiet time of day when I have so many thoughts in my head that I don’t wave to my friends.
I have written only a small handful of posts, but what a relief to get these ideas and images out of my head and into print… I haven’t thought of them since. I have one last cancer thought that keeps nagging at me…
|Bossier Than Cancer|
I was recently reading in the scriptures about the Lord’s ability to make our burdens light. It hit me that he does not always remove the burden – it is still there. However, he makes it so that we can handle it. The first time Mark and I went to the City of Hope in LA to discuss Li-Fraumeni syndrome they were so surprised that we had six children and none had been diagnosed with cancer (8-9 years ago). I was horrified that it could be that much of a reality in our future; and I just knew it was something I would not be able to handle. Now here I am handling it – with a great deal of happiness and hope. Obviously the Lord is guiding us through all of this. The thing I found interesting as I read this time is the idea that the burden is not removed. We do have to go through it – and carrying it will strengthen us. I do feel the effects on my body as I am very tired and physically weak. Our home life is certainly disrupted.
Immediately following Greg’s treatments I wrote this:
We worked hard to have positive attitudes and allow our Faith to bring us peace. However, though our spirits were at peace, our bodies were still subject to a high level of stress. I spent a month or more with a neck to ankle rash and then both parents began to gain weight. Even with regular exercise and watching what we ate it just kept coming. Luckily we recognized that we were doing what we could and would wait until later to deal with it because we continually felt that we couldn’t take on any extra “project”.
Ugh, I also remember that my fingernails began splitting in all directions. That took about a year to go away.
I certainly believe that one reason we are given divine help is so that we will witness of it to others, and I do join my personal witness to that of countless thousands that suffer – the Lord can preserve us in our trials – it is all like that “Footprints” poem. I know that cancer is a big deal, but I often feel humbled that we are blessed to have a trial that we can talk about openly and receive so much support from friends. I am very aware that many other families have trials with their children that are not so easily discussed or “fixed” with surgery. I am writing my experiences and feelings in a more public forum with the anticipation that it may touch someone who is struggling; and provide hope that there is a possibility for peace in the midst of affliction!