Mama! Mama! I went to town! Inside, Outside, Upside Down! Who can recall that final (and very fun) line from one of the Bernstein Bear books – many years ago?

Inside Out? Perhaps it is easier to recall that animated movie – only a few years ago? Recently I rewatched it with David, McKayla and the newest addition to my collection of beautiful granddaughters, Darla May. For me watching a movie usually means I am impatiently waiting for it to be over so we can talk or do something else… or I sleep. This time I slept, but I caught my favorite scene.

I love the scene where the mother tries to get the father’s attention. When he realizes that she is giving him “the look” he panics and overreacts and “the foot is coming down” and essentially makes the whole situation worse than before she gave him the look. I feel like I have lived this scene several times in my own life. I also enjoy that last scene when the daughter talks to a boy and his poor brain goes on high alert and panic, “Girl! Girl!” I think it is so cute. I also think that after 35 years of marriage Mark could be seen going into that same panic from time to time – also very cute.

Anyway, this time around the movie caught my attention as I watched “Sadness” touch the core memories, turning them from memories of pure joy into memories of joy tinged with sadness. I was sleeping through the conclusion, but I came to my own conclusion that joy and sadness can and do commingle in my brain and in my heart. I also thought that in-the-present activities are also a mix of joy and sadness. I was enjoying my time with McKayla whom Mark had met just once. I was relishing my time with Darla who joins little Emily as granddaughters whom Mark will never have an opportunity to hold on this earth. Such joy can be tinged with sadness – and it is totally alright. It is just a part of our human experience.

This was probably on my mind because I knew I was headed to the Pacific Northwest – our home of over 21 years. I knew that I would be facing core memories which had been full of joy but would now be tinged with a new sadness… and just like the movie – this is ok. Just saying that our memories would have sadness isn’t necessarily a sad thing. At least it isn’t a bad hint. It is just a thing. I am just grateful that I can feel emotions.

That all being said, here is the reality of my vacation – Joy?? Yes, for sure. Sadness?? Tinged – you might say there were splotches of blue… Overwhelming emotion felt? Gratitude! Definitely Gratitude. Grateful for ever having been blessed to live in such a beautiful place. Grateful for ever having been blessed with such incredible friends. Grateful to be blessed with the company of several of my children (who were able to join me) and their incredible friends. Grateful to have been blessed with the companionship of my dear husband while we lived in that beautiful part of the planet.

I realized right away that gratitude was my overwhelming emotion – and I was grateful to be grateful. It was humbling for sure. I have to say it was a humble gratitude and it felt great.

Back to the movie – It was pointed out to me that the little girl has yellow “Joy”as the emotion running her brain. The mother has blue “Sadness!” Why is that? Am I correct in thinking that the father has red “Anger?” What in the world?

If you haven’t watched the movie then none of this will make sense…

So now I am wondering… with all of the emotions available and in the control panel of our brains… who is sitting in the middle seat? Looking over my life, I see that different emotions have been at the helm at different times… all present, but one at the helm.

Right now I can picture a rather matronly looking, calm and colorful shape (who sometimes wears her glasses but usually on top of her head) and I am calling her “Gratitude.” Yellow “Joy” sits at her elbow. They are very good friends. Blue “Sadness” is present but not running the show – she probably links arms with “Melancholy” and I wonder what color she should be? Pale green, like a whisper?

I think Gratitude is pink… well, she is definitely pink in my brain! I am grateful to have her at my helm right now. I am so grateful that I sought her out and welcomed her into my life so many years ago. I hope that she stays with me forever!

Who is at your helm?