Today is my wedding anniversary. My sister remembered so that was nice. Does it make me sad? Yes, of course, but more than sad it makes me feel alone. Not lonely, just alone… very alone. I am getting a little tired of it but I don’t see that this will be going away any time soon. Mark passed right before our 35th anniversary and I groaned looking at the 35 years I could still live on my own. So now I have hit what would be our 36th anniversary and only have 34 more to go… so that is promising…

(Next day – today is the day after my anniversary and I was going to delete that paragraph but friends say they like that my blog is “real” so let’s keep it that way. Capture the moment!)

Enough of that – I wanted to report on our flagpole tribute to Mark. In case you have forgotten, in lieu of flowers for his funeral we suggested eating a piece of pie, taking your wife on a date… or contributing to Mark’s flagpole memorial. Your generosity reached into my soul and warmed my heart! May this please count as one giant thank-you note! Thank you! Thank you! It is a tribute to not just Mark but to all of our friends and family.

Our flag is in place and how proudly it waves! We have had a very windy summer and I have loved looking into our front yard and seeing that flag fly! I used every penny that was donated to purchase a commercial grade flagpole so it stands firm while the flag whips around in every direction. I sense Mark’s joy and I feel your love and it is all a thing of beauty.

…. side note…. On this lonely anniversary I have spoken via prayer to my Heavenly Father several times. As I was typing I was surprised to hear my doorbell ring and there stood two sister missionaries from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. One of them was from the Dallas, TX area where we used to live. Their smiles and conversation were most welcome and they asked if they could share a scripture. The two of them both thumbed through their scriptures for quite some time before settling on one – it turns out they were on the same page and when they began to read I about fell out of my chair because it was a scripture that I memorized a couple weeks ago! (I don’t memorize scriptures – this was a rare occurrence!) Does anyone want to know if I believe that God hears my prayers?

Back on topic – well, since this blog is about learning the previous paragraph was on topic. It just didn’t match my title…

Done with tribute, what about rituals? Rituals of all kinds are important to us as human beings. As Mark’s “angelversary” approached I wondered what the family could do to commemorate the day although we are scattered around the nation? I borrowed this ritual from a friend – we all bought balloons and wrote a note to Dad. We then let them fly away – symbolically into the heavens (unless it was strictly illegal such as near the USAF base). We took a little video and Kimberly compiled them – I will add it at the end.

I chose this ritual because it sounded kinda cool and I thought the granddaughters would like it. Here is what happened for me: I sat down to write a note and as I wrote I was changed. I have friends who write to their deceased spouses but I have never done so myself. I have had many events during the past year which I describe as helping me to “turn a corner” and this was one of them. It was completely unexpected because I was just going along with the game. This introduced a little problem. I now wanted to keep my balloon. That little note had just become important to me and I didn’t want to see it flying away. Stick around to the end to learn just what happened.

Here in Utah I was joined by Greg, Jackie and Kimberly who was visiting. Greg had a busy evening so he sent his balloon away while the girls and I waited for sunset. They wanted to launch their balloons from Mark’s special deck and I wanted to send mine away from one of our favorite spots Mark and I enjoyed during our morning walks. The girls let their balloons fly at the same time and they wafted to the north but as they crested the roof another gust of wind sent them swiftly to the southwest. Well, Kimberly’s went swiftly away while Jackie’s stopped and hovered over the neighbor’s field. There was irrigation going and the balloon seemed to want to take a shower or something. It just hovered and we were all laughing so hard – we didn’t want the balloons to land where anyone might read them! It stayed and played with the water and then finally caught that same draft, rushing across fields and desert to catch up with Kimberly’s balloon. Jackie was relieved but quite certain that “Dad did that!” and it did, indeed, seem like something he might do for a little heavenly joke.

When it was out of sight we jumped into the truck so I could let my balloon fly before the sun went down. I wanted to take a picture of it but then didn’t want it on my phone, so I thought I could be mature and just let it go. I went to the fence and let it fly… except that it didn’t fly. Not at all! Somehow in the blustering wind it had whipped down and popped itself on the barbed wire fence! It then went right into a gulley! Kimberly climbed through the fence and retrieved it for me and my wish was granted – the note was rescued and taken home with me.

What a laugh we were having by this point. We joked that our silly family was trying to do something a little dramatic and it was just ending up to be something a little hilarious. It had become the perfect ritual – ending with laughter is always our favorite! Personally I began to wonder if Mark had somehow been able to play in the irrigation with Jackie’s balloon and then bring mine right back home to me? I don’t know why not. Either way it made the evening fun and I like to think he, who hated missing out on anything the family was doing, was involved. Check out the video and let me know what you think….