“Take time for yourself. Take time for yourself. Take time for yourself.”

I heard this phrase over and over while Mark was sick and there is something that I want to say about it. First of all I will say that I did take care of myself. I walked every morning and even at the hospital I had a nice long route winding through the halls and staircases. I always took my own food to save money and feel good. With each stay I spent a fair amount of time hauling my mattress pad, bedding, pillows, extra blankets, computer, etc. to and from the car. It was worth it to be comfortable in an uncomfortable setting. I also left town a time or two.

“Take time for yourself.”

After Mark’s passing I thought about these words. Here is the truth – caring for Mark was time for me. I loved being with him and serving him. Trying to find the right food to tempt him to eat and coaxing him to walk with me to the end of the block seemed a bit frustrating at times, but looking back it seems to be more of a fun game we used to play. Tripping over the cords of the Darth Vadar breathing machine was a bit irritating but we got used to it and it wasn’t a big deal at all. The repeated 70 mile drive to the hospital became routine and we were together in the car… even when he was sleeping I wasn’t alone.

Time for yourself must mean take time to do the things that you love. This doesn’t have to exclude the people around you. I loved taking care of Mark. I daresay that our year of fighting cancer was one of the best years of my life.

This morning I watched a little reel from a young widower on his way to his son’s kindergarten graduation. He said it was difficult to do these things without his wife but there is still joy to be found in the event (AGREE). He also said that he was honored that God gave him the opportunity to be the caretaker for his wife (AGREE).

Two weeks later…

Alright… what about this past year? Time for myself has meant time for myself but I am no longer myself, or at least not my old self. I read recently that one reason a widow’s grief is so awful is that so much of her brain – her neural pathways – involved her husband. When he is gone her brain doesn’t know what to do or where to go because those familiar pathways are looking for someone who is no longer here.

When every aspect of your life involved your spouse how can you even make sense of life? I wonder if this helps explain the inability to breathe for the first few days? Every aspect of your life…. It definitely explains why I felt like my entire insides had been scooped out and I was left a hollow shell.

Intentional grieving has been my goal. I prayed to grieve in a manner pleasing to God, knowing that He could help me on this path. Now I am recognizing that this past year with its house-building and many adventures has helped my brain to begin to create new neural pathways which have proved to be healing and strengthening. I think that I have been (stayed at least one night) to seven states and passed through at least five more. I have visited four foreign countries and passed through two more. Endless house decisions certainly helped. Visits (and Marco Polos) from friends have supported me. I took a little foreign language class and a couple cooking classes. I try to begin most days with over 10,000 steps… walking and talking and walking and talking with friends. Never have I felt that I was running away from my feelings nor being busy just to be busy. When I was tired or needed a break – I rested or took a break. I still do -often.

“Neuroplasticity is the brain’s ability to reorganize itself by forming new neural pathways throughout life and in response to experiences.”

Thank you, thank you neuroplasticity!

It would seem as though “time for myself” this year has been about myself – healing my old self and becoming my new self. My old self had a full, contented life and her best year was spent caring for her best friend. My new self is forming as neuroplasticity does its magic.

There have been many experiences – they were simple but they were there. More than just distractions, I now see my “experiences” this year have worked to build (or rebuild) my brain and fill in some of the blank spots. I believe that “experiences” have been an answer to my prayer about grieving intentionally. One experience I hope for is a more calm and well-ordered life sprinkled here and there with adventure.

Who am I kidding? My preference would be am adventurous life sprinkled here and there with calm and order…

Life is meant to be experienced!

PS – I haven’t posted this yet. I am out of state for my niece’s wedding and because I could use a few more neural pathways I may decide to add another state to my list (before this year is over) and drive home a long but scenic way… I will report back….

The following is something that I read from another widow of 19 months. I can totally relate.

Bonus – I just ran across an article from Psychology Today that I hope you will read. I will post it – but first I am including a paragraph that sounds like something I would have said…

“And, by the way, widows know stuff. If everyone listened to widows, everyone would have life insurance. And a will. Couples would have scary discussions they would rather avoid. “Mortality is an inconvenient truth,” says Moor. But, while 80 percent of men are married when they die, 80 percent of women are not, many through being widowed.“

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/widows-walk/202211/3-things-widows-need