“If it hurts too much you don’t need to face it.”

I fully support anyone who feels this way, but for me it didn’t ring quite true. Smiling as another widow shared this advice with me, I realized that I was just two months into my widow journey and everything hurt, but I already knew that facing things was helping more than hurting. I often tend to put off facing difficult situations but when I face finally challenges head-on I come away smarter, stronger, more courageous… etc. etc. Widowhood has caused me to face many of these things without the procrastination because there was just no choice.

I say this often and it is time to say it again. I am writing about my grief, my marriage, my whatever-I-feel-like-writing-about, but I hope that whoever reads this will apply it to their own situation and of those around them. The following list was chosen to document for myself, but also to help you know what you may face in the future or what others may be facing right now. A few of them are just here to entertain both the writer and the reader so please enjoy…

Quinoa bread – I discovered this recipe in January of 2024 while finding ways to get more protein to Mark in ways that he would eat. We loved it so much – never eaten raw, but it made the most delicious toast. I would take a loaf with me to the hospital and I always made a new batch before the other ran out. Well, when I was home and Mark was gone… just looking at the loaf made me want to crumple and toasting it was even worse. It may sound silly but it took a fair amount of my limited strength to eat those first couple pieces, but after that I have continued to make it. The past two weeks are the first that I have gone without in almost a year and a half. Facing quinoa bread? – Delicious, especially with good quality honey from my friends.

Lentil soup – This may sound even stranger than quinoa bread – but Mark really, really craved lentil soup and I would make a giant pot from which we would eat lunch and dinner for several days. We did this many times – and I have not made it since. I know that I can face it now… but it is ninety degrees outside and who wants lentil soup when you can have watermelon? Facing lentil soup – I have not done this yet but I will. Facing that tomato soup from Costco that he loved to eat last year? No need, I don’t really care to see it again.

Laundry – Here was an unexpected shock. My first load of laundry was our whites, but not our whites… my whites… and it was so small! Mark usually wore a white button-up shirt a couple times a week and he also liked casual short-sleeved white/light shirts. I cannot really explain it but that first small load of laundry was devastating to me. I had not anticipated it and I hated it. Facing the small laundry basket? I can focus on how much easier laundry has become.

Business Casual – Mark’s “uniform” was business casual. A long-sleeved button up shirt with a discreet pattern, tech pants, patterned socks, brown shoes and the occasional blazer. I love this look, but I don’t see a lot of it where I live and when I first saw it in an airport last fall I felt nauseous. I am not being dramatic… I could have had a bit of a breakdown and I found myself just staring at those clothes and not caring for the person inside them because I wanted it to be MY business traveler. Who would have thought?!! Facing business casual clothing? – I can focus on the joy of once having a husband who looked really good in his uniform.

Wedding Ring – Apparently this is a hot topic with widows/widowers. My experience is just that I wore my rings for a couple months out of habit. I took them off and on for awhile, unsure of how I felt. Eventually I had to stop wearing them all together and I will try to explain my reason. When I look down and see my wedding ring I yearn to be the woman who wore Mark’s ring. That woman had a wonderful husband at her side and that is just not the case anymore. The ring is too painful and in its absence I have a much easier time looking to my future rather than yearning for my past. Sometimes I wear my diamond alone and currently I have enjoyed wearing my mother’s ring on my left hand. I have a chain with both of our rings that I wear from time to time. Last October I bought a new ring; it is a bit of a curlicue and I like to wear it on my left index finger. The shape reminded me of the mathematical symbol for infinity which I feel represents our love for now. Facing the wedding ring?… I am not going to do that. Facing new rings?… make it fun.

The Driveway – Mark often worked from home and when I pulled up from the store he would appear on the driveway and bring in the groceries or whatever else I brought with me. I often traveled without him but when I came home he was always there to bring in my suitcase(s) and hear about my adventure. When he was too sick to be of assistance he always made the effort to greet me and ask, “How did that go?” So – pulling up to an empty house was pretty awful. The first time I came home with suitcases and no one to hear about my adventure…. Well, I just sat in my car and cried. Facing an empty driveway and even more empty home… ugh. Just do it.

Visiting In-Laws – Certainly I consider my in-laws to be my family and certainly I plan to have them in my life as before. I have already written about seeing Mark’s mom in January. It was a lovely visit, just as I expected, but I had to “face” turning into the driveway and walking through the house and visiting at night and seeing all our favorite places. This was definitely not as hard as I had expected. In April I cried the night before flying to visit Mark’s brother John and his wife Kayleen. It was anticipatory crying because I knew that John and Mark shared several characteristics (as with all of his brothers). How could I face that? I loved this visit as well, but I had more than a couple gut-wrenching moments when those characteristics surfaced. It will be even easier next time. Facing the in-laws was worth every moment.

Family Moments – I have not struggled with the holidays this year and I think this is because my children are amazing and we talk about Dad and death and deal with it and just enjoy being with each other. However, my daughters-in-law have doubled in number since Mark left and by the end of summer our grandchildren will also have doubled. I feel Mark’s absence as I travel… being a grandma without a grandpa, being a mother of the groom without a father. My daughters have struggled at wedding receptions knowing that their long-anticipated “Daddy’s Dance” will not happen for them. Facing family moments is about focusing on the joy of being together.

Going Places Alone – I have never liked to do this but I am getting much better. I often don’t even realize that I am on my own. Almost every widow that I have met says that going to church has become quite difficult. I have already mentioned this, but it may have been one of the hardest things that I have faced. I was so tired of quietly crying through the hymns! Last fall I was driving to church and dreading that feeling of being alone… but I was even more tired of dreading it… so I said out loud in my car, “I am a disciple of Jesus Christ. I am a daughter of God.” With those two statements church became something I could face again. I believe that I enjoy it more than before, but for new reasons. This was definitely a difficulty worth facing. Facing other places alone? It is alright, I like being with myself but I prefer being with friends.

Building a House – My new home has been a hotbed of emotion. Last summer it was mostly extreme sadness but that has morphed into joy. What a fun project this has been! I will be staying with my parents for a few more weeks, but I have been able to move in some of my belongings. One thing I have not wanted to face was unpacking Mark’s office paraphernalia (mostly gifts from the children). I knew that those boxes were full of memories. I knew that I had to face it and I bravely removed the tape… unpacking box after box with no trouble at all. What fun to see items that have been packed away for a couple years. Facing moving to my new home alone?… I will hope for Mark’s presence and enjoy every friend or family member who crosses my threshold.

Dating and Marriage – Well, here is another hot topic. One thing I thought I knew for sure… I would never be able to “face” sitting in a restaurant (or anywhere) with any other man. Fortunately I have some single male friends who are content with friendship and have kindly taken me to dinner. I quite enjoy the company, and they have given me the courage to someday “face” an actual date, though I cannot imagine how I would ever meet anyone. (Seriously! How am I even in this situation??). Fortunately I am content on my own right now. My children have forbidden me from using any sort of dating app though they don’t need to worry. I cannot even imagine that – and it seems obvious to me that this “date” would need to be arranged by a good friend. I trust my friends. I have jokingly told a few of them to set me up if they know of any widower who loved his wife and loves God. Oh and is tall, handsome, and successful and while we are at it… a cool accent that would just be a bonus. Haha. Of course those men would have been snatched right up and I have never been a “snatcher” so… I will face a life of quietly living in the country and save my pennies to visit those grandchildren (without a grandpa) whenever possible.

Other – I asked my little Marc-Polo group of widows/widowers what has been difficult for them to face. One man said it was so hard to come home at lunch that for months he stayed at work and just dealt with one empty house moment per day. Another woman just lost her job and is having health issues and there is no one to talk it out with. Someone else was forced to go and live with her daughter and misses her independence. The overriding theme was the lack of companionship. No one to hear your stories and you are left with an aching pain and loneliness that penetrates your life.

Alright – those are a few of the things that I have had to face this past year. I am so grateful for each difficulty that I have faced and conquered, so grateful to not be where I was 11 months ago! Laundry and lentil soup may not seem like a huge mountain to climb, but I am telling you that they were. Who are we to know (or not know) what our friends are facing and what is or is not difficult for them? I do not fault any widow who struggles to “face” her new reality and there are many aspects of mine that I dread, but I am grateful to have had the courage to face and overcome the things that I have.

There will be more and I pray that I am up to the task. What are you facing? If it hurts too much you don’t have to face it? Or do you? Or can you? Sometimes it is so true that there are things that cannot be faced, at least for a time. I definitely have those in my life as well, but if I can, I am going to try. For me it is worth it. Struggling? You can always remind yourself, “If Corinne can eat quinoa bread I can do _________!”

And as I think about this list – I think that the laundry may have been the worst! Also, it is very boring to cook for yourself…