The toddler is whining and throwing a fit; the helpful parent (perhaps throwing a fit of their own) whines back at them that they need to, “Use your words.” To be fair, it is more likely the calm, rational parent who calmly asks their child to use their words in order to elevate the situation as well as the conversation. They diffuse the situation with their calmness and bring the child up a level or two. It is the whining parent who uses whining words back to the child which take that adult down a level or two and escalates the bad situation.

I can scarcely stand to watch parents berate their children in public. I want to scoop up those little ones and whisper kind words in their little ears. Children are young humans and like little sponges absorbing the world around them, learning how to see themselves, how to treat other people and forming their future.

What if, as an adult, your best friends looked at each other and said things about you like, “She is such a terror,” “He just drives me crazy,” “what a brat,” or “I have got to have more time away from her!” How must a child feel when negative things are said about them by their parents – the people who are supposed to love them more than anything or anyone else in the world!

What if the child hears her parents say things to other adults such as, “She is such a hard worker,” “He is a big helper for me,” “I am impressed at how well she shares her toys,” or “It is such fun to watch them play together in the backyard.” When I heard my parents tell their friends about my positive attributes it was a message to me about what was expected and I knew how to please them. It helped me to internalize these attributes. As a parent I think I was also affected by giving positive labels to my children. I saw them in these positive ways. It isn’t too late to change.

So – what about our spouse? Are we saying positive words to them and about them? Does it make a difference in how they see themselves and how we see them? Does it hurt us to say them? Why do we sometimes hold back a compliment or a kind word? It seems counter-intuitive. I know, just like with children, there are homes in which negative words are shared between spouses. Just like with children it breaks my heart. It isn’t too late to change.

I was raised in a home in which I knew I was adored and sincere compliments were freely given. When we got married I learned that Mark’ was neither comfortable’s comfort zone included neither giving nor receiving compliments. I learned to hold back and I am not sure this was a good thing. It would have been better to stay as I was and maybe he would have learned more quickly. Over time it was better – marriage is just like that.

Does your spouse know how you feel about them? Do you know how they feel about you? I know some are better than we were and some are worse… but this is my blog and I am analyzing my own marriage here so…

I knew that Mark respected my brains and my abilities. I tried to keep track of coworkers and business issues so that he could discuss them with me at length, which he did. I loved it when he would implement my ideas and then share the success with me. He also thought I could handle all sorts of things – I had much less confidence in myself than he had in me. That confidence in me has helped me get through these past months. This was all great – but on the other hand I am a girl and I like to hear that I am pretty. About the best he would come up with was, “You look nice.” So I learned to accept that as a one of his best compliments. Guess what happened? He passed away and I got to see his personal journals. Guess what I found? In those journals he often calls me beautiful. He often mentions my sparkling eyes. Why didn’t he say those things directly to me? Would it have made a difference? Yes. It would. For crying out loud, tell your wife she is pretty – even if she isn’t. What would your husband like to hear to help him feel better about himself?

Make a difference. Use your words.

What about our love notes? Mark said all sorts of nice things on paper. So did I. This was our main purpose for keeping this journal – for us it was easier to put the deepest feelings down on paper. I will share three of his entries that I enjoy. (Remember I am only sharing them in the hopes that we can help other couples.) This was Mark’s goal. If it is difficult for you to say loving words aloud, put them in a book or on a post-it note. Here are some of Mark’s words to me:

MY LOVE FOR YOU GROWS EACH DAY. YOU ARE A WONDERFUL PERSON AND YOU DRAW PEOPLE TO YOU. IT IS AN HONOR TO BE YOUR HUSBAND.

WHAT A MIRACLE TO HAVE YOU IN MY LIFE! YOU ARE LIKE NO OTHER PERSON I KNOW. I AM FREQUENTLY AMAZED AT HOW POSITIVE AND WONDERFUL MY LIFE IS BECAUSE YOU ARE PART OF ME.

YOU ARE AMAZING. YOU ARE ONE-OF-A-KIND. THERE IS NO OTHER ON EARTH LIKE YOU.

Such a sweetheart – can you see how these “love notes” have sustained me in my loss? (Or does it make me miss him even more? No one else on earth talks to me like this!) So I certainly shouldn’t whine that he didn’t say I was pretty often enough. Perhaps I was spoiled. Perhaps we were both spoiled. Shouldn’t we all be spoiled by our spouses… wait! Don’t go there – just spoil him/her and see what comes of it over time. Usually one of us was better than the other and it would change with time and then change back again. I hope it will make a difference for others. I am very aware that relationships are complicated and this seems simplified… but…. it won’t hurt to try.

Forgive me for being morbid – but I think I am allowed. Don’t let them die without knowing how you feel, particularly the good feelings. Don’t die without leaving behind kind words to soften the blow.

And what else? Be kind and loving to your precious children!!! Honestly, let’s just be nice.

Use your words.

Next day – I have worried about posting this. I think of the people who might say that they knew us as parents and we made lots of mistakes and our kids aren’t perfect, blah, blah, blah. The same goes for our marriage. They would be right and if that is what they want to say – well it is fine with me. We never claimed to have it all together but it would do no good for me to write about all of that, would it?

On the other hand we did many things that are right. We started off strong and built a firm foundation which got us through some really rough times and then ended with the best marriage of any person that I know. We both felt great joy in our marriage but it took a lot of learning to get to that point. Saying kind words to one another was one of those lessons.

Out of the blue this morning one of my walking buddies told me that I had had the best of husbands. I told her that it wasn’t always the case but it certainly ended up as the case. How many people tell their spouses that it is an honor to be married to them? That particular statement helps me now to hold my chin up, remembering that I am Mark’s wife. As we walked along I wondered again why Mark had to go when he was such a good man and focused on serving others? I try not to ask these questions but when they come I don’t shrink from them.

I am honored to have his words left for me and I believe he is pleased that I am sharing some of them with you in the hopes that you will share some of your own with your spouse! The words are simple but oh-so-nice to hear!