“How are you holding it all together?”

My sister’s astonishment matched my own. I had assumed that our recent trip together would be full of tears. It was not. I assumed it would be full of sorrow. It was not. It was, however, full of new emotions and they were heavy. As the days went on I began to feel the emotions stacking one on top of another. It was as though someone kept stacking pancakes on my plate, one by one, and it was inevitable that I would have to swallow every one of them.

What was this stressful vacation? Why wasn’t it as stressful as we assumed? Why do I bother to write about this?

San Luis Obispo county is where I find my roots. Both of my grandparents relocated their families here and this is where both of my parents graduated from high school. My siblings and I were all born here. I moved away right before kindergarten and moved back right after high school – but returned at least once a year to visit family. Mark’s family moved here about the time he was born. This is where we met and fell in love. Almost every date found us at one of the many beautiful beaches. After we married we continued our annual pilgrimage home to make sure our children’s lives would be enriched by experiencing this wonderful spot on the central coast of California.

My parents moved away over 20 years ago so Lori had only returned once with her children. I am blessed to continue my visits to my in-law family. When Mark passed away I felt that I could never return and face all of those happy memories. I did, however, want to visit my mother-in-law and that would obviously include seeing all of our favorite places.

I’ll be seeing you in all the old familiar places…. WOW! Did I ever! Mark was everywhere! Because Lori attended high school in San Luis Obispo while I was dating Mark we had such fun reminiscing. All the while I thought… GHOSTS….. (I wish I could make those letters wiggle.) It was as though I saw ghostly images of Mark and me everywhere I looked.

It began with the large rock behind the house. For one of our early dates we met there on our lunch breaks. He brought his favorite turkey, bacon and avocado sandwiches and we hiked to the rock to eat them. When I looked out the back window it was as though I could see two young versions of ourselves hiking and talking and loving being together. He used to work at First Bank – at the walkup window. I loved finding excuses to walk up and see him there. Lori and I took the Bob Jones trail to Avila Beach – this was the SLO routine Mark and I followed for the past ten years or so. Avila Beach is my childhood, my courtship and my children’s childhood. Montano de Oro – also a favorite of childhood, courtship and family.

It went on and on. Ghosts whispering everywhere!

I had two thoughts about all of this – well, lots of thoughts about all of this, but two to share right now.

First of all – why didn’t I cry? The easy answer is that after months of crying there are just not that many more tears. It is, however, much more than that. I felt the pains like a punch to the gut yet I realized that (in this instance) to cry would have been more drama than emotion. To cry would have been to deny all of the strength, all of the peace and all of the tender mercies which have defined my life these past couple of months. The emotions were there. They were new emotions for which I do not have a word. I could say sad but I don’t mean sad. Just like when I say I feel strong I don’t mean strong. God is in this and He is my strength. He is my joy. He is my best friend – the One who doesn’t leave.

Second – I thought many times about how much I loved my life before. I LOVED my life!! The title of this blog is learning, laughing and LOVING life. Mostly I focus on learning. But I loved my life. So I began to evaluate and my initial thought was this – I used to love my life and now…. I am happy but I do not love my life anymore. This was a terrible thought – to not love my life goes against my being and my identity. Further evaluation… I thought about my beloved grandchildren, my children and their spouses, my sister, going to lunch with friends, walking with friends, Marco Polo contacts, more family, building my house, being outside, feeling the wind, eating good food, waves, waterfalls…

It turns out that I love all of those things and more. I have a void. It is a huge void of which I am not very fond, but I have a good life and I do love it after all.

And so… the pancakes (emotions) piled up. Being in SLO I should be thinking of our traditional Orange Pancakes – ironically the oranges were sour this year. Instead I thought of traditional pancakes and in honor of Mark there was peanut butter between each layer. In honor of my children they were smothered in hot, homemade buttermilk syrup. They were heavy and hard to digest, but covered in sweetness. As one may imagine they made it difficult to sleep, but I survived.

We must all survive. Driving to a beautiful part of the country full of sweet memories that cause a little pain is NOT A BIG DEAL. So much of life IS a big deal and we must all survive. When pancakes pile up and life is hard to digest – look at your long list of things to LOVE in life and never forget that God is your best friend – the One who doesn’t leave!!

I cannot find my photo of Mark enjoying our Valentine’s Day 1988 picnic at Montano de Oro – but I did find some ghostly photos of Lori and me during these years.