This may seem strange. It has been strange to me. Mark died 2 1/2 months ago and I have had such a difficult time remembering him as healthy. Why couldn’t I remember him as he was – or as we were? Was I blocking the memories because they were too painful? I think that may have been somewhat at play… Whenever I really tried, I would see us on our vacation in Poland/Czechia, driving down country roads and just completely enjoying ourselves. Then the void would overcome me and I would have to think of something else. Even worse however, I could think of the activity and/or memory; but not really feel that I was remembering Mark himself.

My memories were all of this past year of illness, pain, treatments and days/nights in the hospital. These memories are not terrible by any means because we made the most of our time together. We were focused on “the fight” and it was something we shared. We actually had a lot of great memories from this past year, but often it seemed to a caregiver/patient type of relationship. Why couldn’t I grasp the real Mark?

Finally – this past weekend – I think I turned a corner. Here is my story – maybe you can relate to it somehow. I hope so.

I had been enjoying myself with a drive to New Mexico and visiting with Nathan’s family. Kimberly and I then left to drive to Arizona where she was to begin her first professional job. Here we were met by Jackie who had driven down her car laden with the rest of Kimberly’s things. We moved Kimberly into her apartment and spent some time exploring. Jackie and I drove home Saturday and she dropped me off at our (my) rental house.

This was my first time to be truly alone and I didn’t like it one bit. I went to check in with my parents and load my car with items to bring to Lori (I am currently in Idaho). Home again and alone, I spent the evening with tears and prayers and woke up about the same – but this time I was just sick and tired of it all. So I filled my morning with prayers and scriptures and just a few tears and set out for church. My inner thoughts were something along the lines of, “No one really cares if you are lonely so knock it off… You can do better than this… You can try a little harder… It is time to work on You – who You really are!”

So… who am I really? As I drove I began to repeat to myself, “I am a disciple of Jesus Christ. I am a daughter of Heavenly Father. I can do hard things!”

(That’s the part I hope everyone can relate to – try it!)

It was the third time since June I have made it through church without crying. Yay! Then at home I read through some of Mark’s journals and this time I felt happiness rather than the pain they had brought two months ago.

My final action was something I felt prompted to do with my phone. For two months I have enjoyed (?) a photo-shuffle screensaver of 50 of our couple photos (because Apple only allows 50). I could tap them and gaze at the two of us in such happy memories. Well – I switched over to a photo-shuffle of 4 pictures of Jesus. At first I resisted because I thought that I would miss my Mark & Corinne slide show, but it has had quite a different effect.

Between the journal reading and the Jesus pictures… I began to feel Mark and to feel his love for me. I felt that he was here with me. For the first time I was blessed with happy tears. Everything felt so good and so right. He had become whole and real to me again. I had been worried about the 6 hour drive to my sister’s house because being alone in a car had been so difficult – but it was pleasant. It is Thursday and I am doing quite well – my only tears have been while I was writing my blog post about building our house, but there are no tears today.

I chose Jesus and Mark came with Him. My two favorites!

This is probably a lull in the storm, but it feels so good! I hope to make the best of it!