Each day of mourning is different. It seems to depend on everything (the people, the food, the exercise, etc.) and it seems to depend on nothing (it just hits at random times and random levels). I am speaking of grief and I hope to continue because we are all going to go through it for one reason or the other. I have received comments that I have friends who are more aware of others going through grief because I am sharing mine… and that is all the incentive that I need.

In addition I am now in a community of individuals grieving for the loss of a spouse. Themes repeat. I particularly hear themes of loneliness, no one wanting to listen, and struggling with that attitude that “It is now time to get over it and be happy!?”

It is so true that I could write something new every day – but for today I have three categories: the good, the bad, and the beautiful. These are my personal experiences, I do not begin to think that I can speak for anyone else… yet there are certainly similarities.

THE GOOD – this describes the majority of my time. I would describe most of my days as being good. Perhaps it is more accurate to say that all of my days are good for the majority of the time. The BAD and the BEAUTIFUL are just moments in my good days. Along with the good is certainly a deep sadness and an incredible void. Sadness absolutely permeates me and everything that I do – but I am still me and I like to get things done. It may sound strange but I am functioning rather well and feeling joy despite the sadness.

THE BAD – I don’t care for crying but I cannot count it as BAD because I think that crying can be healthy. I am tired of it, but I don’t think it is bad. Anger is also a part of healthy grieving and I have experienced this several times as well – anger at Mark for leaving me and the whole situation. I really don’t care for anger – but as long as I recognize for what it is… it is healthy as well. Thankfully it has been rare.

This all being said – there are times which are just BAD. Feeling absolutely alone and utterly lonely…ugh! Oh – and this is fun… sometimes that anger/loneliness just spirals into irrational thoughts… past hurts re-emerge…rehashing experiences with others and giving them a negative twist… despair and discouragement… abandonment… it reminds me of those times when hormones are raging and you just know that your irrationality is real even though something in the back of your mind is telling you THIS IS NOT REAL and your sane self is urging you to not-speak-those-words-that-you-are-wanting-so-badly to express because you know in the morning your mind will clear and you’ll be glad you kept them to yourself (because they are crazy).

The first week aside, I have only had a couple of days that I would call “bad” – mostly there are bad moments or bad episodes… but they are still BAD. I don’t care to experience them and I really don’t care to share them. I write about them only because I read about another widow’s “bad” experiences and it helped me to not feel alone.

THE BEAUTIFUL – Ahhh, the beautiful. These are my favorite moments and I try to make them last as long as I can. I am not sure people talk about them as much as they should. I almost wonder if there is some guilt when a grieving individual has beautiful moments – guilt for feeling so good while simultaneously feeling sad; or feeling guilty for feeling good when others are sad.

My beautiful moments are more than the faith that Heaven is real and that Mark is still alive. I believe that it is exactly this faith which makes the majority of my time “good.” The “beautiful” is even deeper than that and I’ll try to describe it. Hmmmm… I am sitting and staring and not sure that I can find the words.

One simple kind of beautiful is the magic of grandchildren. I have been in New Mexico with my grand-daughters and just being in their presence is a balm. My only sadness I really felt this week has been when I considered the joy that Mark used to feel with them. He loved to talk about how he wanted to entertain grandkids when they would come and visit us – it was definitely one of the highlights of his future retirement plans.

An even deeper beautiful comes to me when I contemplate God’s plan for me. Not just say it or think about it, but really contemplate and let it flow through me. I cannot be sarcastic or fatalistic or anything negative. I have to trust God. I have to reflect back on what I have learned throughout my life about accepting and even welcoming God’s will. It was my will to have Mark around for another 20 years and then have us die together (painlessly of course). That didn’t happen – so I am trying to open myself to God’s will for me. I don’t know what it is, but apparently He is not yet done with me. Apparently my work is not yet complete. Obviously I have not yet been as refined as He would like me to be.

It is a mystery – but I can conjure that image of myself and my work to do on earth… not knowing what it is but knowing that God has a plan. I love knowing that He knows me and loves me and will do with me what is best. In the end, it will be beautiful.

There are more beautiful moments. I may not be able to put them into words, but I can try to encourage them. I have to be found in the rights places, to be with the right people, to listen to/read the right media, etc. These experiences take effort on my part, but if I can cultivate them I will be able to get through this and land right side up. I want to be able to think of Mark and think of myself and feel the celebration that I used to feel. How I loved that feeling! Right now his absence feels like a stabbing. I am not enjoying it so much.

Stabbing vs. celebration? It is a no-brainer… I will continue to put in the effort.