As a wife/mother I have been involved in at least twenty-three surgeries. As a surgical nurse the number is hundreds or thousands. Personally I have never actually undergone a major surgery. I do know, however, that as a general rule it takes about six weeks to recover.

Though widowhood had threatened many times, until this summer I had never actually been widowed. I do know, however, that as a general rule it takes a lifetime to recover. So far – it has been six weeks….

Here are just a few things that I have learned from others, including friends and professionals.

1. Most people are interested in your grief for about one month. This is fine and makes sense to me because life continues on. There will always be friends who care for longer than a month.
2. After a year people will expect you to be better. This expectation is much shorter for children losing a parent. I have a young friend who lost her father about eight months ago. She said that everyone expects her to just move on but she is sad about it every day.
3. The second year is worse than the first. …Oh! …Wow! That will be fun.

I am a relatively young widow and have had only my mother-in-law and one other close friend lose her husband. Knowing that this is going to happen to half of us… I am going to keep writing about it as the thoughts keep coming to me. I hope that it can help someone someday.

So I have been thinking about my life after six weeks of “recovery” and I would have to say that the majority of the time I am quite well. I have already written about the depth of my sadness – here are words that I wrote to my sister-in-law this week and I thought them quite accurate, “It is a new kind of pain and it is awful. Includes a sort of nausea mixed with panic engulfed in sorrow.”

However, combined with this sorrow I have equal moments in which the feelings I experience are a new kind of peace and it is wonderful. Includes a sort of joy mixed with memories engulfed in hope. This peace has everything to do with my Savior. I love Him.

For the most part I go through my days in slow motion but otherwise somewhat normally. I like to be with people as long as it is a quiet setting. I like to be busy as long as it is a quiet busy. I don’t like to answer the phone. I am happy. What a relief to be able to say that!

THIS IS NOT A DRILL – I chose this title today because one aspect of grieving is acceptance. Closing the casket changed things. The burial changed things. At some point between the funeral and today I have come to realize that Mark is not going to walk into the room or eat at the table or sit beside me and sing with his strong voice that I love. That might sound silly – but 35 years is well over half my lifetime and he has always been there doing these things. (Note: Today at church we sang It Is Well With My Soul and I could not hear one single male voice singing the “echo” in the chorus. Mark would have LOVED it – where are the men??)

THIS IS NOT A DRILL – What a shock to look up one of my accounts and see the screen listing me as “single” and the next day see another account listing me as “widowed.” Our electronic church directory deleted my husband. I received my new health insurance cards under my name only. Ummmmm…. I wasn’t quite ready for this.

THIS IS NOT A DRILL – Mark is gone. I am single. I am widowed. This is my new reality and I am learning to accept it.

During the past week I have had a lot of good insights and positive thoughts come to me. I decided to focus on them and felt great, and then the next day felt just like the day after he died! What!? Oh well, another of my realities but I accept that as well. I continue to focus on the positive and roll with the difficult times.

I really just wanted to write that I am having a lot of good days. Mostly good days. I still cry every day, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t a good day. I have so much good in my life!

I am grateful to have two friends reach out to me last week with prayer requests. It seems that there should be more of this going on! I would love to pray for you. As I have said, I offer daily prayers for all those who pray for me. I pray for your blessings to be multiplied or for whatever it is that you need. I love to hear specifics because we all have troubles and I think that being specific is powerful. Please continue to pray for me. I have decided that grieving is worse than cancer ever was. I know there is a path forward and I am praying to begin to have it illuminated (slowly and gently).

Today I thought I would be brave and re-watch his funeral. I couldn’t get past seeing his brother cry as the casket was brought in. I had to turn it off. One of these days I will be able to watch it again.

THIS IS NOT A DRILL – this is also seen on a t-shirt that Mark used to wear. It had a picture of a hammer (not a drill). It always made me smile and I like to wear it now.