Originally I thought this title would be Pomp & Circumstance and Saddle Sore. Last weekend we drove to Idaho for Kimberly’s college graduation. I’m so proud of her – she graduated with a 4.0 GPA and a handful of lifelong friendships. The friendships are the most valuable. On the following day we enjoyed visiting Jackson, WY where Greg worked for many years. On his days off he would work as a horse wrangler and give trail rides – it was fun to experience this for ourselves. A little rainstorm came before us so the smoke from the wildfires cleared and we enjoyed the beautiful views. We even saw a very large bull moose resting in the shade – he was interested in us as well and got to his knees to investigate… thankfully we weren’t as interesting to him as he first thought! We were, however, quite saddle sore.

Last weekend brought about a new realization… mourning intensifies when times are good! I missed Mark being there with us for special family memories. He would have loved every moment. It was quite a thing! My poor kids are patient and loving with me. For four days everything made me cry. Obviously the graduation ceremonies set me off, but so did eating, going on a walk, opening the refrigerator, doing dishes, picking up a piece of paper, driving, the scenery, talking, sleeping, breathing… you name it… it made me cry. Exhausting.

Today is much better. I feel inner strength and I was able to set up a 35-photo shuffle wallpaper on my phone. Each photo celebrates my time together with Mark. I relished each photo rather than crying over them.

I guess this is how it will be for awhile. I am learning a few lessons along the way. Yesterday I realized that I would not take away the grief and mourning if I could. It is not fun – but it is essential.

This teeter-totter of emotions has made me think. I believe that I can nourish the beautiful thoughts and let them grow and flourish. I like them and I want more of them. I pray for help to have more of them. The grieving thoughts come and I do not fight them, but I decided not to nourish them. I respect them, but I do not like them. I understand that they will fade with time and that sounds good and natural to me. I also see that I could nourish them and prolong the sorrow unnaturally. I am not a fan of that.

The grieving thoughts are heavy. I have felt distraught, discouraged and dull… lonely, afraid, panicked, hopeless, worried, despairing, unsure… the list is long.

The beautiful thoughts have a sort of heaviness also, but it is more of a fullness than a burden. They are strong enough to lift me up and carry me. I have felt courage and confidence… hope, love, light, family, friendship, encouragement, joy, wisdom, insight… the list is long.

My life now has a void like I have never known. I have always been drawn to beauty. I will nourish beauty until it fills the void (and yet finds a comfortable spot for my sorrow).

In the past weeks I have known of two other friends who are in mourning. One fun-loving friend now mourns her hoped-for future and struggles to smile because of a painful divorce. One worked so hard to build a full life but mourns when the choices of others shatter her dreams. I saw an article of a man who has turned his tragic loss of limbs into a life of service and I thought how I would mourn physical changes like this. I mourned my loss of two years while I was so ill and recently I mourned the change in my marriage as our relationship remained sweet, but became more of a caregiver-patient interaction.

Life gives us all reasons to mourn. I learned that my years of illness prepared me to be more considerate of Mark’s illness. I learned to love and cherish our caregiver-patient interaction, it was like the frosting on the cake of our marriage. Time changes us and the thoughts and feelings that we choose to nourish will define us.

It has been exactly one month on earth without Mark. I miss him more than I could have imagined.

I choose to let the grief come as it will and cry as I must, but I will nourish the beautiful!