Jesus wept. (John 11:35)

This short verse had never really captured my interest before now – but during these past weeks it has taken on new meaning. It came to me not long after Mark passed away. At this point weeping seemed to be my primary activity each day and remembering that Jesus had also wept over a death gave me comfort. Once again He was teaching me through His example.

I am now choosing to trust God and let him lead me along through my mourning. I know that He is merciful and compassionate. I pray that when the time comes He will show me the path forward. I also pray that He will let me know when that time has arrived.

In some ways I feel so lost without my sweetheart, but at the same time I know that he had confidence in me, that I would figure it all out. (Ugh!) I also sometimes feel that the Lord has confidence in me as well, as long as I have confidence in Him.

Shiva may last a week, but formal mourning lasts a year. I am not Jewish but I do respect their faith. Here are a few verses which are shared with mourners who are ending their shiva:

“May the Almighty mend all that tears his people, Israel”

 “Your sun shall set no more, your moon no more withdraw; for the Lord shall be a light to you forever, and your days of mourning shall be ended” 

“as a mother comforts her son, so I will comfort you; you shall find comfort in Jerusalem” 

I thought that those words were beautiful. One way I am dealing with my grief is to inadvertently keep myself rather busier than I had intended. I decided to try and get out of my rental contract. This rental home has been the perfect house for us during this time, but now I find that it is full of suffering and painful memories. I rented a storage unit and had several friends come today to move our basement full of belongings. I will continue to live on the main floor until someone new is ready to move in. At that point I will have over five months until my new home is complete so I will do just what every adult looks forward to in their life… my parents have a basement so….

Mark used to want to hire an accountant. Having worked to support him through graduate school – to become a tax accountant – I felt that he was well qualified to do our personal taxes. This week I bravely hired an accountant and spoke with a financial advisor, and I know that Mark would be proud. This is not my cup of tea!

I am so grateful for all of my children who are being so supportive. They have all returned to their lives and now my dear sister has come to be with me for a couple weeks. Greg accompanied me to my financial appointments and Jackie cares for our garden. Nathan keeps me updated on the antics of my adorable granddaughters and the other children are good to check in.

I appreciate so many of you texting or sending cards. As contributions come in for the flagpole memorial it has taken on new meaning – it won’t be just to remember Mark, it will include the spirit of friendship and I will also remember how it felt to include you in its creation.

So life continues on. I usually avoid crowds on Saturday, but I broke the rule to go to Costco for a couple items this afternoon. I watched all of those happy people walking through the aisles with their spouse or their family. Thankfully I was with Lori and Jackie – but I wondered how they all just continued living while I feel my life spiraling. Then I thought that almost every person that I was watching probably has all sorts of spirals in their life as well.

I am also feeling hope as well as rays of sunshine. I don’t think I cried at all for two days straight. I am giving myself grace for sorrow, but also plenty of room for gratitude and growth. For some reason God wants me to grow to be more than I am, but He is also giving me grace for sorrow, as He will to each of us whose lives “spiral” in any and all directions.

Jesus wept because He was able to feel deeply. I want to mourn well – to feel all that I need to feel through this experience in order to emerge healthy and prepared for whatever else life has to offer. This will mean that I include my family, my friends and my God. I pray for all those who pray for me and for my family. I don’t know many specifics, but God does – and may you all be blessed daily through whatever it is that your life is “offering” you right now.

I titled this post “Catching My Breath” because it took me several days to breathe naturally after Mark passed. During these past weeks I breathe through a lot of emotions – Jackie has picked up on the nuances of my breathing and is ready to grab my hand or smile across the room as needed. I had trouble breathing again for a few days after Mark’s funeral – but I have noticed that I have caught my breath more often than not this week. Baby steps…