There is no “should” in grieving. I heard some sort of quote like that while watching The Chosen recently. At the time I didn’t know I was just a couple days away from my own deep grieving. Perhaps that is why the line jumped out to me…

Another line from The Chosen mentioned Shiva – which I have learned is the first period of structured mourning in Judaism. During the first week of mourning, first-degree relatives gather in a home and mourn together. Last week was our Shiva as my children were all in town and we were together each day. Just having the concept of “Shiva” in my mind helped me to see and enjoy that this time together is beneficial to each one of us.

With my limited knowledge of the Old Testament, I also thought of the Jews as I returned home from the hospital those first days, but especially those first hours. For the first time in my life I felt the need to tear my clothing and pour ashes upon my head. I hadn’t known that grief could bring such physical suffering.

What about gratitude? It has not been two weeks but I am getting glimpses of a future where the pain is diminished. My first days of grieving really had none of this – but I did have the impression while in the hospital that the path forward would need to focus on gratitude. I know the power of gratitude – it is something that I have paid a price to learn. It will be a focus in the future, but I am not there yet.

Now – what about grace? Grace is what I am allowing myself to feel. It is giving myself over to mourning and letting the hurt work its way through my days and nights. When I first learned about the grieving process in college it seemed unusual and was a topic I thought rather boring… but I have paid attention to it over the years and I respect it. It is part of our earthly experience.

For me it is important to allow the sorrow to penetrate my life without feeling sorry for myself. I am trying to do those simple things which make a difference such as drinking plenty of water, interacting with my family, walking each morning, etc. Prayer has been absolutely vital. I am not pushing myself in any way, nor am I wallowing in sadness. The sadness is here without drama and wallowing.

I am honest about my feelings with myself and with others. I don’t fake happiness and I don’t hide sorrow. I want my grieving to be healthy.

I am being public with my most of my mourning because I have been public with most of my recent journey. Just as I hoped that writing about my thoughts about cancer would help others to think about their own difficulties, I hope that writing about mourning will help others who mourn. Death is certainly not the only reason to mourn. Be kind to yourself and be kind to others. Loss is round about us.

Grief – penetrates my life right now.

Gratitude – my path forward, beginning with baby steps.

Grace – giving myself space and time to mourn.