Recently a friend shared with me some ideas she had heard about thoughts and circumstances. In a nutshell, we don’t always have control over our circumstances, but we do always have control over our thoughts. Just being conscious of this – remembering that I can change my response to a situation – is so empowering. I don’t think that it always means putting a smile on my face. Mark was quite distraught this morning and the two of us shared some tears together. It was a sweet moment and an appropriate response to our circumstance.

Apparently not everyone responds in what may be termed an appropriate way to distress in the hospital. This would explain why there were two security guards outside our door last night! Here is the story…

Well, our afternoon was going along as it had been. A good amount of pain, difficult breathing and pain meds which gave both relief and confusion. We were glad to finally have a treatment plan in place which was that he would receive one blast of radiation followed by 6-7 days of chemotherapy and then a few more blasts of radiation.

They took Mark for his radiation treatment and I went to the patio to enjoy some fresh air. I didn’t want to be gone too long and miss his return, but I ended up waiting quite awhile in the room. He was gone for over an hour and when we returned everyone was dismayed to learn that they had been unable to give him his treatment because he was simply unable to breathe when he had to lay flat.

He wanted to stay in the wheelchair for a bit longer and we were glad he was comfortable. “We” means his nurse Heather and me. Another nurse had noted that his blood pressure was quite low in radiation and we decided to recheck it before transferring to his bed. It was very low – something like 74/49. I had been concerned for a couple days that he was not drinking much at all. The doctors were concerned that he not get too much fluid and so there was no IV. I had tried, mostly in vain, to get him to drink anything but he refused.

Now it was all coming to haunt us – and a bit of a crowd was gathering. Let me mention a tender mercy that occurred. Last Thursday in Acute Care they had told us that we would stay overnight and get an echocardiogram in the morning. I went home that night and just assumed it had happened. Well, part of this gathering crowd was the echocardiogram guy who went ahead and did his exam while Mark stayed in the wheelchair. The thing is – he confirmed that Mark’s poor little heart was pumping like crazy but there was simply not enough volume to be effective. He was so dehydrated. There was talk of transferring to ICU and so I packed up all of our belongings while they put an IV bag into a compression sleeve to force it in quickly.

A PA from ICU came to do an assessment. At the point Mark was more coherent and his BP was something like 98/57 so he was able to stay in his room.

However, the other wonderful thing about the echocardiogram was that he found a large pocket of fluid on the right lung. He said if he could see it from the front it would be worse in the back. We were already scheduled to have a drain installed in the morning and by now it was quitting time so they decided to wait.

I didn’t unpack.

Heather and I realized during the evening that Mark would not take a sip for me but if she was in the room being bossy he would try. Using that technique he managed to drink most of a smoothie and two small servings of apple juice. Success!!

About 10:00 I finally unpacked our bags so that I could get to bed. Soon after this Mark began panic about not being able to breathe. Our night nurse came in as I was trying to calm him and called for a Rapid Response. Before I knew it there were 10-11 people in our room with their tool kits and backpacks to try and get the situation turned around.

This long story is getting longer – so I will skip to the part where I was suddenly left to pack up again in an empty room as they whisked Mark up to ICU. By the time I arrived they were ready to perform another thoracentesis – this time through the side of his rib cage because they knew he would not be calm enough to sit forward.

As expected, this brought great relief to Mark, but his vitals were still the pits – so they put more fluid into a compression sleeve and gave him two units of blood. I am not sure what time I went to bed (unpacking my portable bedroom in the new ICU room) but my phone says I got almost 800 steps after midnight.

Today I had planned to have Jackie come and work from the hospital while I completed a few obligations, but when we woke up and shared our tearful moment I decided to stay close – besides he asked me to stay close by and that was suddenly all that I wanted to do today.

Mark doesn’t recall any details from last night and there are a few moments I would prefer to forget as well. All in all – he is very stable but having a hard time resting due to the hi-flo breathing apparatus. They had used this on the floor and as soon as they converted to nasal cannula he calmed way down.

They are here in the room to take him for another CT – a shot of morphine and a change to a breathing mask – so hopefully he will be able to lay flat.

Oh – I should record the reason for this CT – he has had four thoracenteses (is that the plural form?) in just over one week. I have seen the fluid from three of them as well as one last fall. The fluid on Thursday resembled the one I had seen before – tinged red. On Sunday it was darker and last night it looked almost like the blood they transfused later. Today they are trying to see if they can locate the bleeding vessel and may or may not need to repair it. The fluid will continue to accumulate, but they cannot place a drain or chest tube until they have a few more answers.

Another question is that of when we can begin this next round of chemotherapy and for now no one has an answer. You know these tumors – every day without treatment is a day of growth and trouble… but we don’t want to burden Mark’s poor body with chemo until it is as healthy as can be.

Off he goes – I love the care we get in ICU. His nurse will be accompanying him for the procedure.

This is my chance to walk around a bit so I will wrap up soon.

There were very positive moments as well. My parents had an appointment at a neighboring hospital so they dropped in for a visit. While there we were blessed by a visit from Mark’s best friend from high school. We prayed together and had a nice visit. Short visit because that is what we can handle. We had other friends in the area but I had to cancel their visit due to everything I have just been reporting.

Oh – before I forget… those security guards have to be there in moments of chaos and stress because you just don’t know how people will respond. Someone told me it is more important in the ER, but just in case an issue arises….

Mark is back from CT. They were able to get their imaging. He is having trouble breathing so I tried reminding him about Thoughts and Circumstances. He wasn’t impressed. I guess it is best to practice it when things are easy and hopefully apply it when things are a little more difficult.