Jackie wrote this blog post to commemorate ten years…

I have tried multiple times to find a good way to start this blog post. Mom asked me to write something about the ten year anniversary of my first cancer diagnosis and the subsequent surgery to remove the mass from my spinal cord. As I have been reflecting on that experience, I have just been flooded with tender feelings, especially as I think about the miracles that occurred at that time, which saved my life. Ten years seems like a major milestone in my cancer journey, which certainly started rather dramatically in November of 2013 when I was diagnosed with Li Fraumeni. 

I think that I have a lot of feelings surrounding this anniversary because lately the thought of this being a life long journey has seemed rather exhausting. Mom and I recently spent a few hours with an oncologist discussing preventative measures that I am going to be taking in the next couple months to reduce my risk of some cancers. I think that discussion, plus watching Dad fight his current battle, really just really hit home how this, living with Li Fraumeni, is a life long challenge I will have. It is also pretty easy to look back over the last ten years and see how cancer has affected so much of my life, and in ways that don’t seem obvious. Sure, I have had lots of surgeries and gone through a few years of preventative treatments that I am still recovering from, but there are also mental, emotional and even at times spiritual difficulties that have come up. It can be depressing if you think about it too long. 

So, rather than being overwhelmed by the future, and even rather than being overwhelmed by the past, I decided, as a way to commemorate the last ten years, I was going to start writing down all the experiences I was grateful to be alive for these last ten years. Now, some of these experiences are pretty generic, like serving a mission and graduating from college. Those were good memories, but pretty basic. As my list got longer, it started to include things like eating lobster poutine in Nova Scotia with mom and meeting Ashley, my sister in law, for the first time. I have loved becoming an aunt to my precious nieces, listening to new songs, reading new books and traveling all over the world to see new places. There are so many sunsets, waterfalls, leaves and mountains that I have gazed at with awe. There are phone calls, text messages and late night conversations with my sisters that lifted my spirits. I have kept writing and writing these experiences down and it has been so much fun. I have had some unique and wonderful experiences the last ten years of my life, I am so grateful for those. 

I think that I am especially grateful for them, because they could have so easily not happened for two reasons. One, I could have died. I don’t want to be flippant, but that is the reality of this whole cancer thing. Two, I could have chosen to let my cancer, and the years of surgeries and treatments, made me into a miserable, sad person. I try so hard to not be that person. It really is a choice that I make every day. While reflecting back over the last ten years, I am glad that I have chosen to not be sad and miserable every day because there are so many wonderful experiences to be had. Thank goodness for the last ten years, and thank goodness there are more years to come.