I wasn’t worried. I wasn’t stressed. I wasn’t afraid. I was just awake. It was just one of those nights. I woke up at 3:00 a.m. and just stayed awake. I tried for several hours to go back to sleep but to no avail. At some point around 5:30 I realized that there were tears on my pillow – or at least running down my face. How odd I thought… and why was I crying? I haven’t cried for months…

I had been thinking some rather sad thoughts. I had been thinking that I miss my friend. When I am home alone I am not lonely, but when Mark is having his sleeping, sick days I am lonely, and I recognize now that this is because I am missing my favorite friend. I look forward to healthier days, long walks, travel, date nights, conversation… 

The tears didn’t last long and I actually realized that they weren’t due to missing my friend. I think they were due to missing ME. Sometimes I just want my old self back – that “me” who used to have so much energy to concentrate on her children and her friends, who planned dinner parties and vacations, who loved to bake and experiment with food to share, who thought more about other people and tried to brighten their day…

Something happened last week – I was getting more and more run down. Because I try to be honest, if you asked about how I was doing I would have told you that the stress was really getting to me – I could scarcely put two thoughts together, let alone two actions. I think I had a few friends worried and I was none too pleased myself. When Mark was being admitted and having his port accessed on Wednesday I plopped right down on that uncomfortable couch and slept for a couple hours, despite all of the activity around me. By Thursday I was feeling a bit of a panic – wondering how I was going to push forward in this state…

I sat and quietly pondered the problem and it came to me! I had done absolutely nothing about my kidney disease for over a week! It was like I had completely forgotten that I was also dealing with a serious health issue. I remembered that I had a Fairlife protein drink in the car. I brought it up to the room and slowly drank it over 90 minutes to make sure every gram would be absorbed. About an hour later my head began to clear and I had a good measure of energy return. 

I have been feeling so much better these past months that I had neglected to care for myself. My January blood level were finally in the normal range though I am still expelling large amounts of protein. My lab value that I would like to see at ZERO was 800+. This is soooo much improved from 24,000+ that I had even asked my doctor if I could quit taking some of my meds. He told me I could try it… haha, I tried it and well, I went back on them. However, the most important treatment every day is great amounts of protein. (Don’t we all wish Costco would stock more Fairlife drinks?) I have been working for several days to get back to normal and am feeling much better – and so very grateful that it was not out-of-control stress. This is probably some sort of care-giver syndrome (neglecting oneself at peril of their own health).

This all began in April 2021, so I am going on three years of trying to get healthy. Mark’s tumor began to cause us trouble in June of last year – nine months before that he had kidney cancer which was removed but still… It is exhausting. One of my children told me that people in our town don’t even know the real me. I’ve been a bit of a lump. I scarcely recognize myself! 

However – and here is the important part – that fun, energetic, busy me was off balance in that she did not have sufficient patience. Oh that patience… my mom tells stories of how baby Corinne used to stamp her little feet impatiently if things weren’t happening fast enough. This has been a lifelong struggle… Oh that patience…

You know how people think prayers are not answered when they do not get what they want? I think if we try harder we can recognize that getting what we want isn’t always the answer. Sometimes the answer is an actual response – as though prayer is actually a conversation?! What an idea! And a response that is often give to me… “Be patient!”

Well, it looks like I did not manage to develop enough patience on my own so God is helping me to get there. It is working. I can feel it. I like it.

And so there it is… the old “me” isn’t exactly who I actually want to be. I hope to regain that energy and zest for life – but with an added measure of patience. I don’t even mind slowing down.

I will dry my tears, take better care of myself and look forward to the new and improved me.