I sometimes hesitate to try to explain how it feels to await a cancer diagnosis, or in our case, a treatment plan. I know that I have not only a faith in Christ, but also a very supportive network of friends and family to rely upon. But, just like these things do not take away the hardship and physical stress of cancer, there is also a great deal of fear and anxiety along with the trust and support.

Once again, I am writing and not posting (thought I plan to). We don’t feel quite ready to have our situation made public, probably because we are still in this waiting game. We did finally receive our pathology report. Our diagnosis is Pleomorphic Sarcoma. It took much longer than anticipated because the specimen spent a few days with hematology while they determined if it was a lymphoma. I wish that they had first tried to determine if it was a sarcoma!!

We received the news of Friday but our doctor had three emergency surgeries come up that day which his nurse assured us is quite rare. We felt bad for the families of these three cases – an emergency surgery for a cancer patient is never good news. Anyway, we live in Utah now so Monday was a holiday. It is now Tuesday and we hope that the tumor board met today, or that we will at least have a preliminary plan. Surgery is imminent, but protocol says to radiate before surgery. However, radiation for a Li-Fraumeni patient is a very serious matter to consider.

So – they are considering and we are waiting.

Here is what I was hoping to convey this morning. I woke up with everything pressing down upon me. Literally it feels like a physical weight on my chest and it is difficult to breathe. Aside from cancer and my husband’s increasing pain, I am dealing with a kidney disease of my own (which I will tell about one of these days) which has put limits on my activity. Natalie needs to report to Virginia Tech for grad school in a couple weeks and I need to drive her out there and get her settled. We cannot schedule this until we have some idea of Mark’s schedule. My parents’ health is precarious and I try to check in on them and help with meals as often as possible. There are other issues (like all of us), but these things were the source of the difficulty breathing on this particular morning.

As is my custom, I rolled out of bed onto my knees to begin my day with prayer. I shared my anxieties with my Heavenly Father and told Him that I know that somehow Jesus Christ has already taken upon Himself my sufferings. I don’t know how it works but please get me through this. I know that I am here making the efforts, but I know that somehow He lightens my burden, fills me with confidence and helps me prioritize my day.

One very good thing about trials is that they give you experience for future trials. I know that life is difficult but we get through it.

The next step in my daily routine is to walk a couple miles. I had just begun when I realized I felt so much lighter. My prayers will be answered.

My morning has still had moments of stopping to take a deep breath and none of the issues have been resolved. My faith, however, is strengthened. The next few weeks will not be easy but I know that I will get through them. I will get through them with deep breaths and intentional planning, but more so with faith in my Savior. Just like the classic Footprints in the Sand poem, I know that I will be carried. The journey must be taken, but I will not be alone.

We are hoping for phone call soon and I wanted to share the feelings of the morning and testify that Christ and His divine help are available to every person who is struggling.

And here is something that just happened… I just received a Marco Polo message from one of lifetime best friends. We haven’t talked for a few months and she was just wanting to check in. Divine help comes in a variety of forms and I am now going to acknowledge the my need to talk about all of this and message her right back. God often answers our prayers through those around us. He is Goodness and Mercy and I am very grateful!

(The photo shows some of the apricots I have just waiting to become jam, etc. Just another distraction to fill my waiting day.)